Mark Saal

There are only seven or eight people on this entire planet that I would, quite literally, die for.

I know, I counted.

Granted, if I thought about it, there are probably others — close friends, extended family members — for whom I would incur a moderate risk of life and limb. And in the heat of the moment, particularly involving an infant or small child, I like to think I’d be one of those selfless souls who would race into a burning building, placing another’s well-being above my own.

Today we address the PIT maneuver.

The PIT maneuver is a driving tactic employed by members of law enforcement, wherein a pursuing officer’s vehicle bumps the backside of a fleeing suspect’s vehicle, causing the suspect to lose control, spin out and come to a stop.

PIT stands for “Precision Immobilization Technique.” Or maybe it’s “Pursuit Immobilization Technique.” Or “Pursuit Intervention Technique,” “Parallel Immobilization Technique” or “Precision Intervention Tactic.”

Talk about your tough acts to follow.

If there’s one thing history has taught us — I mean, besides the fact that North Korea makes Randy Quaid look positively sane by comparison — it’s that only a fool would try to replace a legend.

Don’t believe me? Try this little test:

It’s official. Now I’ve heard everything.

And I do mean everything.

There is, quite literally, nothing on God’s Green Earth that I have not heard. You name it, I have now heard it.

Four days ago, I couldn’t have said that. Four days ago, there was this one last little thing I hadn’t heard. But then — go figure — just this past week I heard it. So yeah, I’ve heard it ALL now.

What exactly was this final thing on my bucket list of insanely unexpected statements? Just this bizarre combination of seven words: “Members of Congress are overworked and underpaid.”

You heard that right, folks. Overworked, underpaid, Congress.

To hear all of the whining, you’d think the county just bought itself a police blimp.

The Davis County Sheriff’s Office recently became the first kid on the block to own a BearCat, and apparently the purchase has managed to stir up all sorts of paranoid folks who see it as the beginning of the end for our free society. Honestly, the last time I recall seeing this much hand-wringing over a law enforcement purchase was when the Ogden Police Department announced plans to deploy an unmanned crime-fighting blimp.

The BearCat is made by Lenco, a Pittsfield, Mass.-based manufacturer of armored vehicles. The company’s primary models are the B.E.A.R. vehicle and the BearCat vehicle. B.E.A.R. is an acronym for Ballistic Engineered Armored Response. The BearCat, a smaller version of the B.E.A.R., is based on a Ford truck chassis and adds “Counter Attack Truck” onto the end of its acronym. In both cases, the vehicles are basically armored personnel carriers.

“Look on the bright side,” said the annoyingly cheerful woman as she ushered us down a dimly lit hallway. “At least you’ll be able to cross this off your bucket list.”

Yeah? Well, sorry there, overly happy lady, but of all the things on my bucket list — even the ones way down at the bottom of the list, like “Read the Old Testament,” or “Swim in the Great Salt Lake,” or “Watch an episode of ‘One Tree Hill’ ” — this is definitely not among them. Come to think of it, this wouldn’t even make my list of Tolerable Medical Procedures for Folks Over Age 50.

So, what could possibly be worse than a colonoscopy or a pelvic exam? I’ll tell you what. A massage.