Quibbling siblings
There are no comments for this page [ Add Comment ]Saturday, April 5, 2008
By BECKY WRIGHT
Standard-Examiner staff
bwright@standard.net
Parents can help older child welcome new baby into the home
Pinching people, throwing dolls in the oven and wetting the bed are not unheard-of things to do. Not if you're a youngster with a new baby brother or sister.
"It's not crazy for an older child to experience all of the emotions of feeling replaced and being threatened," said Leigh Shaw, assistant professor of psychology at Weber State University.
Without the ability to fully understand and express those feelings, a toddler may find other ways to deal with the situation.
"I remember some little boys we had in the preschool," said Rosalind Charlesworth, retired former director of WSU's child and family studies department. "I realized one day that they were putting all of the baby dolls in the (toy) oven. Then I realized they all had little babies at home, and it was just a way for them to get feelings out when they can't really talk about it."
But sometimes they can talk about it -- a little.
"There are four years between my oldest and second," said Kristin Arnold, a West Haven mother with three children. "He (the oldest) immediately told us, 'I don't like her. She's not coming home with us.' But she came home, and he had problems from the start.
"He wouldn't have anything to do with her, and he wouldn't have anything to do with me, I think because I was the one who brought her home. We would catch him pinching her, or picking at her when she was asleep, just doing things to make her cry and be uncomfortable."
Kacee Weaver of Harrisville started seeing signs that her oldest child was struggling with the idea of a new baby, before it was even born.
He started demanding more attention -- which continued after the birth.
"People would come to visit, and go directly to the baby. He would say, 'Hey, look at me,' and jump up and down and spin in circles and make silly faces just to get attention," Weaver said. "I had always thought it was a myth that kids say, 'Hey, look at me' and do something crazy."
Regression is another possible response, Shaw said.
"A 2- or 3-year-old who's been potty training and sleeping well may regress, having more accidents and getting up at night, with a new sibling coming home," she said. "She sees the baby getting attention for doing things she used to do, so why wouldn't she start doing that?"
A common response
An estimated 80 percent of American children grow up with at least one brother or sister, making sibling jealousy common, Shaw said.
"Many parents report that their kids experience jealousy when a new baby comes home," she said. "Even as young as 12 months old, children are sensitive to the loss of attention."
It may be especially hard on a firstborn, because he or she hasn't had to share attention before.
"I think parents need to start by recognizing that a lot of these feelings are legitimate," Shaw said. "There's a new rival for mom or dad's attention, so there's the anger and frustration of that, sadness over a lost relationship, and fear of 'am I being replaced?' It's pretty complex emotion."
Shaw says a child's reaction can be specific in some families.
"If the child is angry with mom for interacting with the baby, it doesn't necessarily mean he or she will be angry with dad," she said. "Moms tend to be primary caregivers, so those relationships are more likely to take a hit."
Preparation
Aimee Galbraith of Ogden says her 3-year-old daughter, Lily, adjusted fairly well to the birth of her baby brother, Briggs.
"We talked a lot about the baby before he was born," she said.
Charlesworth says that's the way to do it.
"I usually recommend that the child be in on things all through the pregnancy," she said. "Tell them what they want to know, let them help prepare the bedroom, and help in all the other preparations."
When the baby's born, older brothers or sisters should be allowed to visit in the hospital, Charlesworth said, adding, "When the baby comes home, they can help change, bathe and feed the baby."
In other cultures, where children help with the baby from the beginning, Charlesworth says, they don't show signs of jealousy.
"It's mainly getting them involved, and making them feel they're important and grown-up," she explained.
Having a doll to practice on can help.
"You just have to work on how to be nice to the baby, to let them know they can pat, kiss and give a little hug, but be careful not to hug too tight," said Charlesworth.
Parent/tot time
Shaw says parents need to make an effort to spend quality time with toddlers, to reassure them and not deny their emotional experience.
She suggests making a regular date with each child, when he or she has a parent's full attention.
'Things like that can be helpful," Shaw said. "Reminding them how loved and special they are can go a long way."
Weaver says she made an effort to spend more time with her son.
"When I wasn't nursing the baby, I would hand the baby off to someone else and make sure to spend good quality time with him," she said.
She also tried to get him excited by saying things like, "Look, the baby's smiling. The baby loves you.' "
Marriage connection
Keeping your marriage strong is another way to help older siblings.
"There is research to suggest that there's less jealousy if mom and dad have a pretty good marriage," said Shaw. "It could be that ... parents who are better able to communicate can help an older child express emotions and resolve conflict with a younger sibling.
"It could also be that spouses who love each other and work to enhance their marriage create a family filled with a lot of positive emotions like happiness and joy, so there are less reasons to be jealous."
Patience, perspective
Arnold says she may not have prepared her son adequately for the changes a baby brings, and that's why he was so upset. But Charlesworth says sometimes you can try to prepare, and still have problems.
If you do have an older sibling picking on a baby, be careful not to foster further resentment.
"I would not punish the child in any way -- not like if they stole a toy," said Shaw. "I'd have a real discussion about what family is, and the responsibilities siblings have to each other. ... Again, there has to be a lot of reassuring that these feelings are normal, and you don't want to minimize or deny their emotional experience, but they have to know this isn't OK, and they have to treat each other with respect and love."
Being an older brother or sister isn't easy, Shaw says.
"Parents need to remember that it's not much fun for a 3-year-old to have a 6-month-old sibling," she said. "When a child who is 3 or 4 years old is begging for a sibling, they're wanting someone the same age. They want a playmate; they want their best friend to come home with them. That's not how it works -- they get a clingy, whiny baby."
Now that they're ages 8 and 4, Arnold says her son is usually nice to his little sister.
"But the sibling rivalry between those two is real prevalent in our house," she said.
They may grow out of it, or they may not, according to Charlesworth.
"It's not unusual that siblings go on forever being rivals -- it's just life," she said. "You just have to try to teach them how to interact with each other appropriately."
Text 
