I have not shaved since 1975. A young woman for whom I had the hots said, "You'd look good with a beard," and I had to agree. While I never made it much past first base with her, the beard was a home run. I thought it made me look artistic.
Time passed. I hoped it made me look mature in a graying sort of way. In my mountain-man, muzzleloading-rifle days, I fit right in.
Now I think of the beard as "distinguished." Brigham Young had a white beard. So did Gen. Robert E. Lee. My wife, who has never seen my chin, says she likes it.
And it could all go down the drain.
Here is the deal: I have foolishly let myself get involved in a fundraiser for the United Way of Northern Utah, whose annual campaign kicks off this month.
The wager?
Go ponder today's Life section. It bears a picture of fellow columnist Mark Saal. Mark writes a humor column, which is good because, really, look at those dangling locks. Who could take anyone seriously with hair like that?
Mark is a huge fan of the United Way. Every year, he comes up with wacky ways to get money for it. This year, he bet his hair against my beard that he can raise more money than I can.
This is serious stuff, folks. I'm very attached to this beard.
A few years back, I was supposed to visit the Tooele Army Depot's poison gas-disposal plant, which meant shaving so the gas mask would fit.
(Important job tip: When given an assignment that is "Perfectly safe! Really!" and then told to wear a gas mask, run.)
I was reluctant, but then I broke my arm covering a ski race -- I swear it was accidental -- and the beard was saved.
Now it's up to you. If I can collect more money than Mark, I get to keep the beard, he gets a haircut.
The United Way folks are a really good bunch. They distribute money to charities, coordinate help for homeless agencies and generally do good work. I just covered their annual fall meeting to figure out how to handle the winter aid homeless rush.
You can send money directly to me:
Save Charlie Trentelman's Beard
c/o Standard-Examiner
P.O. Box 12790
Ogden, UT 84412
OR, you can send it directly to the United Way at:
Save Charlie Trentelman's Beard
c/o United Way,
2955 Harrison Blvd., Suite 201
Ogden, UT 84403
Make the check out to "United Way" and write "Charlie" on the memo line.
You can also call the United Way and make a donation via credit card. Call 801-399-5584.
Be sure to say this is to save Charlie's beard.
I suppose you could send money to Mark (see his column for details), but trust me, you want me to win.
You will be protecting my chin from possible sunburn. You will make sure my wife lets me in the door at night. And you'll be doing your community a big service.
Many men can carry off long hair nicely. They're attractive with flowing locks.
But Mark? He's a nice guy. He sings a mean song. But as a longhair, he's a bit like Albert Einstein with helmet hair.
It doesn't work, he needs a trim badly, and you're just the readers to do it.
Wasatch Rambler is the opinion of Charles Trentelman. You can call him at 801-625-4232 or email ctrentelman@standard.net. He also blogs at www.standard.net.
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