Need a little help with your Christmas shopping? Have I got the Ideal Holiday Gift Idea for you.
It's readily available, it's reasonably priced, and it's reportedly the No. 1 toy in the United Kingdom, Germany, Holland, Spain and France. (Memo to self: Cancel European dream vacation.)
Now, if you're reading this over breakfast, I do recommend you put down that spoonful of cereal for the next five minutes or so.
So then, what's the season's hottest toy for Christmas? It's called ... wait for it ... the Doggie Doo Game. You heard right, people. Family game night just got a little cruder.
Ah, but don't be fooled by the disgusting title. Because the game itself is actually more revolting than its name would imply.
Doggie Doo is a game for two to four players -- preferably, players who have never quite gotten over their Freudian fascination with the anal stage of psychosexual development. Because, basically, it consists of a gastrointestinally correct plastic dachshund. You feed it this reusable putty-like "dog food," shoving it down its throat with a plastic "feeder bone." Then, players
take turns rolling a special six-sided die, and depending on the roll, you get to squeeze the puppy's leash anywhere from zero to three times. Apparently, each squeeze of the leash pumps air into the dog and produces a hi-larious gassy sound as the pressure -- along with the suspense -- build. Eventually, the pliable food (now molded into a fantastically realistic-looking cylindrical shape) comes plopping out the other end on someone's turn, and that person scoops it up onto his or her plastic shovel piece. Collect three such deposits on your shovel and you WIN!
The official rules of the game include helpfully graphic information like, "You can only pick up the dog's mess when it has fallen on the table. When it is hanging outside the end of the dog, just tap him on the back until it drops." (Curiously, we've found this method also works on our youngest grandchild.)
"But Mark," you ask, "what if we actually LIKE the person who will be on the receiving end of our Christmas gift? Surely you don't expect us to give them a plastic pneumatic puppy that poops generic Play-Doh? Don't you have something a little less, you know .ââ.ââ. gross?"
Well, you're in luck, because I just happen to have one other Ideal Holiday Gift Idea for you.
If you're wanting to only partially offend your loved ones, might I suggest you go with the "My Wake Up Call Motivational Alarm Clock Messages"?
According to press materials, the wake-up calls -- which are available on CD and in downloads to smartphones, iPods and the like -- are five-minute motivating messages that wake up a person "positively." Just imagine, instead of a blaring alarm tone, or some creepy morning radio host talking about the latest toy sweeping Europe, you could be waking to some annoyingly cheerful woman telling you that, believe it or not, today is the first day of the rest of your life.
You can choose from more than a dozen motivational topics, on everything from weight loss and kicking bad habits like smoking, to amassing wealth and overcoming grief.
Basically, it's the gift that says, "Look, you're a really nice person and all, but here's something you should probably work on."
Seriously, you HAVE to go to www.mywakeupcalls.net RIGHT NOW and listen to some of the samples. They will soooo totally make you want a necktie for Christmas.
In fact, listening to a few of the messages myself, that defecating dog isn't looking so bad right about now.
What's more, they even have motivational wake-up messages for children. You know, just in case you've always dreamed of turning little Billy into a sociopathic killer.
Of course, personally, I'll be waiting for the next generation of these wake-up messages -- it's the natural progression of things. Remember when those popular motivational posters first came out, like "AMBITION: Aspire to climb as high as you can dream"? They were soon followed by some wiseacres creating demotivational posters, like "CONSULTING: If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem."
So I can hardly wait for the "My Wake Up Call De-motivational Alarm Clock Messages," enabling us to wake to such real-life-affirming messages as:
SBlt "Hey! Tubby! Get your fat, lazy buttcheeks out of bed!"
SBlt "It's Saturday! Let's go, mister! That lawn ain't gonna mow itself!"
SBlt "Yo, loser boy! What say we ditch the "Star Wars" action-figure pajamas this a.m. and see about trying to get you an actual date for the weekend? And with a real girl this time."
Yes sir, I have a good feeling about this holiday season. Mostly because, believe it or not, this is the first Christmas of the rest of our lives.
New idea for a motivational poster ... "COLUMNISTS: Because not everyone gets to be a doctor or a lawyer. Or even a convenience store clerk." Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272 or msaal@standard.net.
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