"If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees."
-- Jay Leno on "The Tonight Show"
Don't ask, don't drink
"On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, 'I am also not a fan of gay milk.' "
-- Conan O'Brien on "Conan"
That crazy Newt
"Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich 'zany.' If they are taking a good look at Newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it's 'zany'?"
-- David Letterman on "Late Show"
"In ancient mythology, spiders were depicted as symbols of patience because they spend all that time weaving their web. Then they wait until unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and it's all over within matter of minutes. Nowadays we call that a Kardashian marriage."
-- Craig Ferguson on "The Late, Late Show"
Just leave us alone
"There are so many (Republican) debates. For a group of people who don't want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot."
-- Jimmy Kimmel on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"