Now that the laughter has all but subsided over a Utah high school almost making Demi Moore its official mascot, we can explore the issue objectively.
I applaud the Canyons School District for erring on the side of caution by avoiding "Cougar" as the mascot for the new Corner Canyon High School in Draper. But here's the irony: Even if they had called it the Corner Canyon Sexually Predatory Older Women, that still wouldn't be as bad as some of the others in the state. That's right, folks, there's more housecleaning to be done on this whole high school mascot problem.
For one thing, there are three other high schools that continue to flaunt the Cougar mascot -- Kearns, Monument Valley and Union. But the trouble goes much deeper than that. Consider these highly inappropriate Utah high school mascots, which, for obvious reasons, ought to go the way of the Corner Canyon Cougars:
Cedar City Redmen
Really? And they think "cougar" is demeaning to an entire group of people?
Springville Red Devils (also Grand County Red Devils)
OK, thankfully this isn't a knock on indigenous peoples. It is, however, highly offensive on a purely religious level. Why didn't they just go with the Springville Satans? At least that's more alliterative.
Wasatch Wasps (also Juab Wasps)
The informal term for "White Anglo-Saxon Protestant" is clearly outdated and derogatory.
Hillcrest Huskies
Dump it. It's offensive to big-boned children everywhere. Surely the girls basketball and volleyball teams are mortified when they're referred to as the "Husky women."
Timpview Thunderbirds (also Piute Thunderbirds)
Suppose the Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control knows about this? 'Cause I'm pretty sure Thunderbird is also a cheap brand of fortified wine. Hardly the image we want to be promoting among underage students.
Delta Rabbits
Everybody knows that rabbits are only good at one thing. Do you people really want your children associated with unchecked reproductive hab-- oh yeah. Never mind.
Murray Spartans
From Wikipedia: "Sparta is thought to be the first city to practice athletic nudity, and one of the first to formalize pederasty." I hadda actually look that one up. "Pederasty: Sexual activity involving a man and a boy." Ewwww. This mascot so needs to be changed. Right now.
Bear River Bears
Seriously, people? The Bear River Bears? That's the best you could come up with? Apparently, back when the school was built, lazy officials had short-listed their mascot choices to either the Bear River "Bears" or the Bear River "Rivers" -- with "Bears" eventually winning out. (Well, there was a third group pushing for the Bear River "River Bears," but most everybody agreed that was just plain crazy talk.) I believe I speak with some degree of certainty when I say that Bear River Bears is the most unimaginative school mascot in the history of school mascots.
Beaver Beavers
Oops, I stand corrected. And not only does it look like they weren't even trying on this mascot name, it also has the added baggage of a major double entendre.
Roy Royals
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the second-runner-up in the Least Creative Mascot sweepstakes ...
Emery Spartans
See "Murray Spartans" entry above. A better mascot, methinks, would be the Emery Boards.
Manti Templars
School motto: "Proudly violating the spirit of the church-state separation since 1905."
Ben Lomond Scots
Call it a kilt if you must, but no matter how you sugarcoat it, it's still a guy in a skirt. And I'm pretty sure the local social mores frown upon cross-dressing Europeans.
Morgan Trojans
Kinda blows that whole abstinence-only education idea out of the water, eh?
Intermountain Christian Lions
Whaaa? Christian Lions? Is this some sort of sick joke? Perhaps someone should give the leaders at this parochial school a bit of the early history of Christianity.
Rowland Hall Winged Lions
OK, now you're just making up mascots.
* * *
So there you have it. If any of these schools reside in your district, contact your nearest legislator immediately. Demand that he or she drop whatever important "message bills" they're pursuing and give the pressing issue of inappropriate high school mascots their full and undivided attention.
Please, do it for the children. To keep them safe from the Cougars and the Spartans of this world.
Contact Mark Saal, a Bengal who really wanted to be a Beetdigger, at 801-625-4272 or msaal@standard.net.
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