Listen, just because they call it a conspiracy theory doesn't mean it isn't true.
Take last week. While I can't prove it, I know our government was involved in a massive coverup of some sort.
How do I know this? Because they keep denying everything. And changing their story. And if there's one thing 30 years of journalism has taught me -- aside from where to get the cheapest haircuts in town -- it's this: Anytime someone in authority tells you there isn't a problem? There's a problem.
It all started Tuesday night, when friends on Facebook posted about hearing -- and feeling -- two rumbling, booming sounds. Friends from Alpine to Kaysville, and everywhere in between, say the two noises shook doors and rattled windows. The next day, media outlets reported the sounds were heard all over the northern half of the state.
Initially, nobody took credit. And predictably, all of the usual suspects went out of their way to insist they had nothing to do with it. Seismologists at the University of Utah said it wasn't an earthquake. ATK said it wasn't testing any rocket motors. And Hill Air Force Base said there weren't any military aircraft making noises that night.
And then, almost as quickly as it denied it, the Air Force changed its tune.
It turns out, they say, that some B-52 Stratofortress bombers from Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana were conducting bombing runs at the Utah Test and Training Range in the west desert that night -- and because of the temperature inversion, the noises could be heard all along the Wasatch Front.
Oh, sure. The Air Force SAYS the noise was bombing runs in the west desert, but we all know the Air Force doesn't exactly have a great track record when it comes to leveling with the American public. (Project Blue Book, anyone?)
Besides, my sources say they heard two distinct booms. Two, people. What, our government expects us to believe that these bombers from Louisiana flew 1,500 miles to Utah (when, clearly, the Bayou State offers plenty of more conveniently located places that could have been bombed in good conscience), dropped a total of TWO BOMBS, and then decided to call it a night and head back home? And that's the story they're sticking with?
I'm telling you, something fishy's going on around here. And I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
So, who you gonna call when you've got an unexplained phenomenon in this ol' world? I'll tell you who -- a physicist.
That's right, people. You can have all of your other so-called pseudo sciences. For my money, when you need answers, go with physicists. They're slightly less nerdy than biologists, and unlike chemists, they don't have to memorize the Periodic Table of the Elements.
So I emailed the folks in the physics department at Weber State University to find out what went down on Tuesday.
Uncharacteristically, they tried to stonewall me. Uh-oh, something sinister was going on here.
Professor John Armstrong insisted he was "in Texas" at the time of the concussive noises.
Professor Stacy Palen attempted to deflect suspicion with humor: "I heard the rumbling, and assumed that our science building had finally fallen down. I briefly worried about the asbestos and toxic fume cloud that must surely result, but since the prevailing wind is away from my house, I just went to bed."
Well-played, Dr. Palen. Very well-played, indeed.
But it was another WSU professor, Dan Schroeder who finally let it slip: "Yeah, I heard the rumbling. Assumed it was just one of our technicians, in his secret volcano lair, preparing a new lecture demonstration for Dr. Johnston's class."
Dr. Johnston, of course, being WSU physics professor Adam Johnston, who claims to know nothing about the events of Tuesday night last: "I'm unequivocally certain, however, that it had absolutely nothing to do with any alleged new demonstration being developed for one of my courses, as Dr. Schroeder has irresponsibly suggested."
And then, Prof J inadvertently let it slip: "By the way, sometime you should come by to see the brand new quantum plasma transmorgrophilistocator we just built. It packs quite a punch. Bring goggles. Maybe a change of clothes."
Ha! I knew I could crack these people like a walnut.
So there you have it. Mysterious sounds solved. It was the university's "quantum plasma transmorgrophilistocator."
How do I know this? Because when you type "quantum plasma transmorgrophilistocator" into Google, you get ...
Nothing. No hits. No suggestions. Not even a "Did you mean 'quantum plasma transistor radio'?" The only thing that pops up is a "Your search ... did not match any documents."
And if that's not a massive coverup, I don't know what is.
Contact Mark Saal -- if, that is, the WSU physics department hasn't already "transmorgrophilistocated" him -- at 801-625-4272 or email@example.com.