The phone rings in a big warehouse in Oriskiny Falls, N.Y. "Is this Political Whines, Incorporated? " "Yep. Harry Schmidlap speaking. Welcome to the biggest collection of vintage whines anywhere. We have whines popular with Democrats, Republicans, liberals, conservatives, and independents."
"I have no idea where to begin. Any suggestions?
"Sure," Schmidlap says. "Do you want a Jewish whine?"
"Here's one: I want to go to Loehmann's."
" I hope you have better whines than that. Leave the comedy writing to people who are funnier than you -- like Michele Bachmann."
"We do have a Michele Bachmann Whine."
"Yes. The Michele Bachmann Whine, labeled Obamacare Will Kill Your Grandma, is a classic blend of baloney and misstatement, conjuring up images of a female Pinocchio. Although its creator has been unable to achieve the goal of her whine appearing red, white and blue, it is a bright embarrassment-to-the-Republican Party red. Some people, who've sampled this whine, including Bachmann staffers and political consultant Ed Rollins, found it was hard to swallow. It left a bad aftertaste and they don't want it again. But it's highly popular at tea parties."
"I don't know. It sounds too risky. What's the most popular liberal whine?"
"One highly popular liberal whine is the Don't Call Me A Liberal I'm a Progressive Whine, but to be frank, the ingredients and preparation are the same as the Liberal Whine. The most popular liberal whine is the False Equivalency Whine fermented in a lush refusal-to-acknowledge -the-other-side-does-it-too mix."
"Do you have a Mitt Romney Whine?"
"Made out of sour grapes."
"Do you have talk show whines? What about Rachael Maddow Whine?"
"Yes, but the Rachael Maddow Whine repeats itself. Take one sip and you'll repeat the same concept over and over."
" I just divorced and I should have NEVER given my wife the Rachael Maddow Whine as a peace offering. Now she repeats the same sentence about child support three times, rewording it each time."
"Do you have another liberal talker whine?"
"For a while we carried the Keith Olbermann Whine but got too many special comments about it being tiresome. And news executives who tried it said it disagreed with them."
"How about a Rush Limbaugh Whine?"
"An acquired taste," Schmidlap said. "Rich and loud, the Rush Limbaugh Whine has the subtle flavor of bile, chicken hawk, ham and poppycock. Enjoy this whine while watching Fox News or reading The Drudge Report. It comes in a life-size 375-gallon jug."
"Don't you have a conservative whine a bit smaller?"
"Well some whines put out by conservative blogs are much smaller. The Obama Uses a Teleprompter and Obama Plays Golf are really small whines with whiffs of hypocrisy that caress the palate, since other Presidents used teleprompters and played golf. These whines are popular with those who don't like the taste of facts, and are best enjoyed while writing name-calling, demonizing website comments about blog post writers or columnists."
"Is there a Sean Hannity Whine?"
" It's a lower-rent version of the Limbaugh Whine and not as bright or bold and not much thought has been put into it, but people at the RNC love it."
"What about that new whine I've heard a lot about -- the New Republican Brand whine?"
"I don't think you'll like it," Schmidlap says. "Everyone's getting excited about what they say will be this vintage's rollout in 2014 and 2016. But it'll be the same, old whine in new bottles."