It's time to play "Name That Column."
When editors started debating what to call this new column, they were surprisingly unenthusiastic about the names I suggested:
* "Writer's Block Party"
* "Stuff I Just Now Thought Of"
* "Walmart Presents ..."
That last one was on the off chance we could get a major corporate sponsor to pony up some dough to supplement my meager journalist's pay.
In any event, it's time to name this baby. Which got me to thinking: There's a lot of highly intelligent, creative people in the Top of Utah. True, none of them actually read this drivel, but hey, you never know.
Besides, even if my twice-weekly musings don't attract the sharpest tools in the shed, conceivably one of them could get lucky, right? After all, you know the old saying, about how if you put an infinite number of monkeys in front of an infinite number of typewriters, at some point, eventually, one of 'em will start flinging poo.
But also, given enough time, one of them will peck out the complete works of William Shakespeare. (Of course, that also means that yet another one will eventually churn out Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series, but that's just a chance I'm going to have to take ...)
Time to put on your thinking caps and come up with a new name for this column. Did I mention there are FABULOUS PRIZES at stake?
That's right, the lucky reader who comes up with the best name for this new column wins a life-sized cardboard cutout of Sarah Palin. An actual, commercially produced cutout of the woman who was a heartbeat away from the loser of a presidential election.
But wait, there's more! Because the winning entry will also receive a cardboard cutout of columnist and all-around good egg, yours truly.
That's right, TWO cardboard cutouts for just ONE winning entry. Granted, this second cutout is a homemade job I cooked up in my garage by lying down on a piece of a refrigerator box and having my wife outline me with magic marker. So really, it looks more like the chalk outline of a body at a crime scene. With a smiley face on it.
And for those of you who have little or no use for cardboard cutouts, the winner also receives:
* A pair of tickets to the Judy Collins concert on July 27 at the Kenley Amphitheater in Layton.
* Lunch with moi, at the reasonably priced Ogden restaurant of your choice.
* An autographed copy of "Top Shots," the Calvin Grondahl book.
* A Standard-Examiner ice scraper for your car.
* A Standard-Examiner yardstick.
* Anything else we can think of that isn't bolted down around here at the newspaper. Saaaay! Who wants a forklift from the press room?
Total retail value for this prize package? In the dozens of dollars.
OK, the forklift part was a joke. But the rest of it? All true. And all waiting for you, if you come up with the cleverest, catchiest column name.
Email ideas to firstname.lastname@example.org with "Name That Column" in the subject line. Or, if you're really tech savvy, tag your suggestions on Twitter @Saalman. (I don't even know what that last sentence means; our social media editor made me write it.) Deadline is May 24.
So there you have it. Get to your typewriters, my little monkeys, and start churning out your ideas to name this column.
But seriously, the first one to start flinging anything is disqualified.
Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, email@example.com or follow him on Twitter @Saalman.