Good news, fellow Americans. As a country, we've finally come to our senses over that whole "soccer fad" thing.
Like the Hula Hoop, the Pet Rock and traditional marriage, soccer is rapidly becoming just another passing craze. You heard it here first, folks.
So, what compels me to make such wild, unsubstantiated claims? I mean, other than the fact that I tend to make wild, unsubstantiated claims every week? Just this: Davis School District officials are removing the soccer goal posts from schools in Davis County. And not just removing them, but removing them with extreme prejudice -- whilst soccer teams are in the very act of practicing on those goal posts.
According to a story in Friday's Standard-Examiner, school district employees armed with backhoes and blowtorches disassembled soccer goal posts from four schools in Kaysville last week.
"The teams were in the middle of their practice when district guys showed up with backhoes and torches, and within 20 minutes the goal posts were gone," Wasatch Soccer Club president Robert Taylor told S-E reporter Loretta Park.
Well, now. Ain't that a corner kick in the pants? And apparently, no one tried to stop them, either -- mostly because, as anyone can attest, you never confront a guy with a backhoe and a blowtorch. You just don't.
If you think district officials weren't making a bold statement with their actions, you simply don't understand what's going on here. Welcome to the official War on Soccer, people.
Oh sure, school district officials will give you all that legal mumbo-jumbo about how they're doing away with the permanent goal posts because they posed an unacceptable "liability." Or how they take up too much valuable open space. But when you think about it, you don't see them tearing down football goal posts. Or basketball standards. Or monkey bars.
Truth be told, these three things are readily apparent: 1) Soccer in this country is dying; 2) Davis School District officials are holding the pillow over its face; and 3) I'm happy to be the guy to write the obituary.
In the interest of full disclosure, it's no secret that I've never been a great fan of the sport. But in my defense, I believe that's an attitude born of ignorance and apathy, rather than any specific valid reason.
Of course, this War on Soccer is not without its inherent dangers. Angering soccer moms isn't the brightest move one could make -- it's a little like kicking a really big minivan-shaped hornet's nest.
What's more, soccer worldwide doesn't have a particularly impressive track record when it comes to managing anger. Fans killing players. Players killing referees. Referees killing fans. And my favorite: Fans killing referees after referees kill players. One of these days, with all this killing going on, you'd think they'd run completely out of soccer enthusiasts.
In fact, you know the old saying about how more people have been killed in the name of religion than for any other cause? Well, as it turns out, soccer ranks a surprisingly close second.
There is always the possibility of death and-or dismemberment when you're dealing with anything soccer-related. Possibly, this is why Davis School District workers went in armed with backhoes and blowtorches.
Admittedly, there is one thing we will miss about soccer. I mean, once the sport is gone, its everybody's-a-winner attitude dies with it. Or, as one colleague put it: "Now where will our children go to receive recognition without achievement? Where will they get their 'participation trophies'?"
Best guess? Drill team.
Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, email@example.com, or follow him on Twitter at @Saalman.