They're at it again in North Ogden. Fighting like cats and dogs.
And not just any ol' ordinary cats and dogs, either. More like plutonium-powered robotic cats and dogs -- with razor-sharp titanium jaws and claws, and piercingly annoying metallic howls -- all capable of leaving highly radioactive messes all over the yard.
Seriously, somebody in that cranky town needs a nap. Or a time out. Ooh, or a really good swat on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.
The latest trouble in North Ogden is a bit convoluted, and much too detailed for my short attention span. But near as I can tell here's the gist of it:
1. North Ogden city council members Wade Bigler and Brent Taylor are running for mayor.
2. They will definitely NOT be exchanging Christmas cards.
The two men have been chippy at best, and borderline hostile at worst. Calling the North Ogden mayoral race "heated" is a little like calling Lady Gaga's wardrobe "odd." It doesn't even begin to cover the half of it.
Frankly, North Ogden reminds me of one of those funky telenovelas they run on the Spanish-language TV stations. Except that most everybody in North Ogden is white. And Mormon. And, well, near as I can tell, they don't put up with attractive young people running around in various states of undress.
So really, I guess you could say they aren't alike at all -- except for the fact that both feature embarrassing amounts of overwrought drama, and that I can never quite understand what anyone is trying to say.
La gente esta muy loca.
Fittingly enough, North Ogden's catchy slogan -- featured prominently on the city's website and other official items -- is "Making Life Bitter."
OK, technically the city has its slogan listed as "Making Life Better," but most of us familiar with the town just assumed that was a typo.
The most amazing part in all of this is that both Bigler and Taylor actually WANT to be mayor of North Ogden. Which seems a lot like saying "Hey, you know what? I think I'd like to be captain of the Titanic." And not the brand new, pre-iceberg 1912 Titanic, either. But rather, the 2013 Titanic -- the one sitting on the bottom of the ocean, encrusted in a century of rust and sea sediment.
So, what are the good shipmates of the RMS North Ogden to do? I can't believe I'm about to say this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. My advice to the residents of N.O.: Don't vote this November.
I know that goes against every civics lesson and Rock the Vote commercial you've ever encountered, but voting will only enable such feuding candidates and encourage their boorish behavior. I mean, if nobody voted in North Ogden this November, they wouldn't be able to declare a winner, right? And then maybe the governor could just appoint someone nice.
I realize a few of you may think I'm being a tad harsh on the city of North Ogden, but I assure you there is a method in my madness. Because what that city needs right now, even more than an ordinance closing parks on Sundays, is some serious healing. And nothing brings townsfolk together like being verbally attacked by outsiders.
Indeed, in writing all this smack about North Ogden, I'm betting that residents will rally behind both candidates -- in effect, saying, "Hey, that Saal character's not from around here! He can't talk about our candidates like that!"
Before you know it, Bigler and Taylor are crying and hugging like BFF schoolgirls. And then?
"Happy Holidays, from Wade and Brent."
Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, email@example.com, or follow him on Twitter at @Saalman.