Leave it to a lawyer.
You may have read in the news recently the fascinating story of one Kendra McKenzie Gill, the bomb-throwing beauty queen.
Miss Gill has had quite the eventful summer. On June 8, the pretty, 18-year-old blonde was crowned Miss Riverton, and began making preparations for competing in the Miss Utah "Scholarship" Pageant.
But then, on Aug. 2 -- apparently taking a break from the rigors of pageant life -- Gill and three 18-year-old friends decided to blow off a little steam. One thing led to another, and before you could say "world peace" the four budding Einsteins had been arrested for tossing homemade bombs from a vehicle in a Salt Lake City suburb. Police say they combined plastic bottles, aluminum foil and toilet bowl cleaner to create their explosives.
And with that, the inevitable "bombshell" jokes began.
All four teens face felony bomb-possession charges, although prosecutors and defenders have been negotiating a plea agreement.
Which brings us to defense attorney Wally Bugden, who wins this week's Folks Say the Darndest Things Award.
"Charging this as a felony is way out of proportion," Bugden said.
Fair enough. That's what defense attorneys do. They defend people. But then, Bugden went on to say that the reason prosecutors are pursuing Gill so vigorously is because -- get this -- she's easy on the eyes.
"They did it because she's a pretty girl and a pageant queen," Bugden said.
We'll pause here briefly to give you all a chance to collect your jaws from off the linoleum.
And here, all along, I'd just assumed it was some sort of unwritten understanding that the beautiful people of the world actually got positive preferential treatment. But now, Wally the Lawyer is telling us that Gill is basically being discriminated against, legal-wise, because she's a skinny, pretty beauty pageant winner?
I'm sure I speak for all of my fellow fat, ugly people out there when I say, "Well, boo-hoo."
Gill has since relinquished her crown, and I suppose Defense Lawyer Wally thinks she's been punished enough.
"I hope that calm heads prevail," Bugden said. "These bombs -- that's an unfortunate word -- were not intended to harm anybody."
That is indeed a most unfortunate word, Mr. Bugden. It really is too bad we don't call exploding cylinders filled with caustic chemicals something a little less threatening -- you know, like "puppies," or "sunflowers," or some other equally fortunate word. Because, I don't know, "bomb" just sounds so ... so ... explosively unpleasant.
This really is one of those tragic stories where everyone loses. Well, everyone, that is, except Morgan Grillone. Miss Grillone prevailed as first attendant in the June 8 pageant and, as such, I would imagine she now assumes the official title of Miss Riverton. Probably not the way she envisioned it happening, but hey, a crown's a crown.
I suppose if we had to have a mad bomber coming out of the Miss Riverton pageant, I'm just glad it was Gill and not, say, Ashlee Bishop, who was voted Miss Congeniality at the contest. Imagine the disappointment in the headlines screaming: "MISS CONGENIALITY NOT SO CONGENIAL AFTER ALL!"
Look, we've all seen "Mean Girls." (OK, technically, I've never seen the movie. But I did help raise two daughters.) We all know how nasty attractive people can be. In fact, that idea of the heart of a beast lurking beneath one's outer beauty is a common theme in literature.
And mark my words, people. Someday the Kendra McKenzie Gill story will make really great musical theater. I could even see it having a long run on Broadway. Unless, of course, it totally bombs.
Sorry, I mean, puppies.
Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, email@example.com, or follow him on Twitter at @Saalman.