Facial Hair

ROY — The men and boys let their beard hair sprout unchecked. The women and girls allowed their leg hair to grow full and free.

But the evidence of Sand Ridge Junior High’s sixth annual Mountain Man Beard/Leg Hair Growing Competition, which concluded Friday, is likely down the drain today.

“I feel like I was the hairiest-legged girl,” said Monika Torres, the ninth-grader who coordinated the competition. “I had fun, but I’m definitely shaving. I have swimming, and ... yeah.”

Somehow, I pictured my victory being just a little bit more, well, you know ... victorious.

It's old news by now, but last Monday I narrowly defeated fellow columnist Charles Trentelman in our monthlong his-beard-vs.-my-hair contest, which raised a whopping $14,941 for the United Way of Northern Utah.

That's right, I won. So then, why do I feel like such a loser?

I'll tell you why: Because any number of disillusioned/alienated readers out there are now calling me a sell-out. And worse.

You tell yourself you aren't going to do it.

You say you're better than that, you're stronger -- that no matter what, you simply refuse to sink to their level.

And then it happens. Somewhere between the good intentions and the naive promises, you end up going all negative with your campaigning.

I'm afraid we've reached that point with the current race we've got brewing here in the Top o' Utah.

I have not shaved since 1975. A young woman for whom I had the hots said, "You'd look good with a beard," and I had to agree. While I never made it much past first base with her, the beard was a home run. I thought it made me look artistic.