Listen UP: Advice from 'Commander in Chief of the House'

When Meredith Leyva's husband decided to join the U.S. Navy, she was fine with the idea.
"When it actually happened, it was a complete shock," she said. "I was working in a very promising job, in Washington, D.C., earning more money than my husband did, and I was shocked the Navy wanted to relocate us and deploy him. After all, who did they think made the money in the family to support his military addiction?"
That was 12 years ago.
"Looking back, I was being very silly, and I was also completely unprepared," she said.
To learn how to succeed in her new situation, Leyva created the Web site CinCHouse.com, where women can share ideas for dealing with the challenges that come with military life.
The best advice, she put into book form. A revised edition of "Married to the Military" (Fireside/Simon & Schuster, $14) was released in July.
CinCHouse (pronounced "sink house") is military for "Commander in Chief of the House" -- the woman who keeps home and family running while her husband serves the country. CinCHouse can also be a woman in uniform.
"We all have the same lifestyle issues. We all have to figure out how deal with deployment, how to relocate our families around the world and help our children cope," said Leyva, who lives in Norfolk, Va., and has two young children.
Home base
To women from a civilian background, Leyva says, the military is an alien environment filled with rules and bureaucracy, where people speak in acronyms.
"I think the worst part about military bureaucracy is they don't even know how bad it is, compared to civilian life," said Leyva. "They're good people, but there is absolutely no incentive to make things move, and make things easy."
Her tips for dealing with the system:
SBlt Get your spouse to do it. The service member must submit a marriage packet to his command, obtain a military identification card for you, get a base decal for your car, enter you in the military's Tricare health system, and grant you a power of attorney. These are necessary for you to receive the benefits you're entitled to.
SBlt Make sure your name is on accounts, so you can access money when your spouse is deployed.
SBlt Explore the base, and find out what services and resources are available.
Protocol
The military is a close-knit group, and families do a lot of socializing.
"We also act as the first line of diplomacy," said Leyva. "I have frequently had foreign military guests in my home for meals and entertainment."
In these situations, spouses can help or hinder a military career.
SBlt Ask an experienced military wife how to entertain, including what to serve. "The senior ladies are expected to entertain constantly and widely," she said.
SBlt Understand that officers and the enlisted are not allowed to fraternize, but the rule does not apply to family members.
SBlt Dress appropriately for each occasion. If you dress like a tramp, Leyva writes, you will be the subject of gossip in your spouse's office.
Relocation
Relocation can be a major source of stress: "It's hard to uproot yourself every two to three years," said Leyva.
SBlt Understand military career tracks, and make a 10-year plan. Developing special skills will increase pay, but also impact (for good or bad) the frequency and duration of relocations. Before your spouse takes a new position, talk to people who do the job and know what it's really like.
SBlt The military pays for moves, but watch your budget and know the rules.
SBlt Buy durable furniture that will look good in any house, and match in any room.
SBlt If you want base housing, put in your request as soon as you get orders.
SBlt Want to work? Start your own business, work for defense contractors, or train for jobs in demand everywhere.
Deployment
Deployment is one of the most difficult challenges of military life.
"It's tough to be separated from our spouse," Leyva said. "You didn't get married to live alone, and be a single parent."
The adage that absences makes the heart grow fonder isn't true, she says -- it makes it more resentful.
SBlt "My top tip for deployment is to keep yourself busy," said Leyva. She suggests continuing education, and spending time with friends and family.
SBlt Communication is key. "E-mail and phone each other as much as you possibly can," she said. "Deployed service members love to hear about your day -- it makes them feel normal and part of the family. ... He'll already be informed, so when a crisis comes up you can make decisions together."
Support
Leyva says the women who have the most difficult time adjusting to military life are those who can't fathom leaving their hometown, and are too shy to reach out to other military wives.
"I think the hardest part for my generation of military wives is that we are nonjoiners -- we're too cool to be part of a group. We need to rethink that attitude because we're only isolating ourselves in a very tough situation," she said. "I know it's hard to get out there and meet other military wives, to open our hearts and doors, but we have to do it to survive."
SBlt Getting involved in the community, and joining spouse clubs and family readiness groups, are ways to meet new friends.
"I'm a believer in wives taking care of their own," said Leyva. "Despite all the great policies of the Defense Department, they're not going to be able to provide emergency baby-sitting at midnight if you have to go to the hospital, or a shoulder to cry on. You have to build on networks of support."
Attitude makes what could be a difficult situation an adventure.
"We've moved to many interesting locations, and met some fascinating people," said Leyva. "Every military wife I know tells some amazing cocktail party stories about their adventures around the world."
WOMEN WEAR UNIFORMS, TOO
In some families, it is the woman of the house who serves in the military -- husbands represent 7 percent of military spouses, according to "Married to the Military."
There are also women in the military who are single parents, and couples with both members serving.
Women in uniform are expected to deploy, even if they have dependent children. Dual-service member parents may also be called to deploy at the same time. Author Meredith Leyva says the military does not pay for child care during deployments, so parents must plan ahead to find friends or family willing to care for the children.
A Family Care Plan must be submitted and maintained by single parents and dual-service parents; failure to do so is grounds for separation from the service.