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It was not a good year for ducks.
Don't get us wrong. With the economy on life support, 2009 wasn't exactly a picnic for any of us. But the last 12 months were particularly hard on our web-footed friends.
We had ducks getting trapped in storm drains and baby ducks getting eaten by gulls. We even had morbidly obese ducks who couldn't be bothered to get up off their La-Z-Drake recliners long enough to fly south for the winter.
So, cheer up. Odds are, 2010 will be a lot better. Plus which, things could have been much worse for you in 2009. You could have been a duck. Or had a year like some of these folks ...
January
8 -- The Utah Division of Wildlife Resources uses a helicopter and something called a "net gun" (we're way ahead of you; it's already on our Christmas wish list for next year) to capture 16 moose in the mountains above Ogden and relocate them out-of-state. Officials say the operation went so well that, later this year, they'll use a similar tactic to relocate the state's few remaining Democrats.
9 -- As the year begins, things are relatively quiet in the public schools, but all that's about to change; it's going to be a rough year for teachers. By the end of 2009, no fewer than five Top of Utah teachers will be accused of having sex with current or former students. Icky.
12 -- An explosion and fire at the Silver Eagle Refinery in Woods Cross injures four people and forces the evacuation of 100 households. Residents are in shock. "My mouth fell wide open," said one woman of the blast. "It's never happened before." Yeah? Well, just wait.
27 -- Davis County commissioners approve an $8,500 contract to bring alligator wrestling to the 2009 Davis County Fair. Florida-based wrestler Kachunga will jump into a tank of water to wrestle an alligator before dragging it onto stage. Maverick mayor Steve Curtis of Layton tells officials he'd wrassle a 'gator for half that amount.
30 -- A ninth-grader at North Davis Junior High School asks Clearfield officials to force a local lingerie shop to change its window display, which features scantily clad cartoon figures of women. The girl calls the display "offensive." She also claims its depiction of unrealistic body images cause young girls to feel bad about themselves. Fortunately, teachers are there to tell them just how hot they look.
February
19 -- State Sen. Chris Buttars, R-Cranky, makes some sort of inflammatory comment about radical gays being America's greatest threat and comparing them to radical Muslims (and we're sure BOTH groups really appreciate the comparison). Buttars apparently said some other stuff, too, but frankly, we've just stopped listening to this guy.
25 -- Beneath a headline screaming "Utah State going nuclear," it's reported the Logan school is one of four institutions in the country chosen to research nuclear energy. Some suspect they'll try to use the radiation to end world hunger by engineering gigantic agricultural products.
25 -- "Sanctuary!" An 11-year-old boy, fearing he'd be punished for striking his teacher with a yardstick, climbs onto the roof of a church across the street from the school. Authorities speculate that it may be the first time an 11-year-old boy has willingly gone anywhere near a church.
March
20 -- The Weber State University clock tower finally gets fixed after being stuck for a year at 11:16. A year to fix it? "We weren't in any hurry," said a school official on condition of anonymity. "Most of our students can't tell time anyway."
21 -- Congress earmarks $1 million to try to stop the Mormon cricket infestation in Utah. State officials say most of the funds will be used to pay protection money to ruthless gangs of California gulls.
24 -- The Morgan County School Board is being pressured to restrict extracurricular activities on Monday nights, so as not to interfere with the LDS Church's "Family Home Evening" program. The board has also been asked to keep Fridays free -- which, for many teachers and their students, is "Date Night."
27 -- Speaking of surprises, Davis County officials are surprised that an upcoming adult fitness competition they agreed to allow at the Davis Conference Center is actually a pole-dancing event. Yes, we can see how the county would feel women dancing around a pole is much worse than, say, alligator wrestling at the county fair, where there's the potential for some guy from Florida getting his arm snapped off by an alligator right in front of the kiddies.
April
6 -- OK, this time it's personal. When the faltering economy starts affecting the children, that's where we draw the line. The city of West Bountiful cancels its annual Easter egg hunt, citing unforeseen expenditures and lower-than-anticipated tax revenues. Wow. Can't even afford those cheap plastic eggs and a little candy, huh? Times must really be tough.
9 -- With the economy sputtering, the state receives $2.2 billion in federal stimulus money earmarked for construction projects. Meaning, Top of Utah motorists can look forward to massive, unprecedented road construction projects this summer. Which should really help our collective psyche, because as any mental health professional worth his or her weight in antidepressants can tell you: When times are bad, when people are stressed out and feeling blue, nothing quite helps like sitting in traffic.
20 -- Three security cameras, valued at $2,000 each, are stolen from a car wash in Clearfield. A masked suspect is seen in videos carrying a ladder through the parking lot, putting it next to the cameras, then stealing them. Security cameras. Stolen. Oh, the irony.
24 -- Officials begin removing carp from Utah Lake in what is believed to be the nation's largest carp-removal project. Utah newspapers, struggling in the current economy, applaud the move, pointing out they'll need something with which to wrap all those dead fish.
May
1 -- As the first probable case of swine flu is reported in the Weber-Morgan Health District, Gov. Huntsman urges the residents of Utah to be calm and not panic. Of course, that's easy for him to say, since only days hence the governor will announce he's leaving the state to become U.S. ambassador to China. Coincidence? Hmmm ...
2 -- A Fremont High School senior is told she can't attend her school's senior cotillion without a date -- and that her brother or father don't count. Oh, come now. How hard can it be for a teenage girl to find a date to a dance? It's a high school, for crying out loud. Filled with eligible teachers.
7 -- At Beus Pond in Ogden, people feeding bread to ducks are ringing the dinner bell for gulls. As the families of ducks come out for the bread, gangs of gulls swoop down and gobble up the ducklings. State officials politely remind the gulls they're being paid $1 million to eradicate Mormon crickets, and ask them not to fill up on baby ducks. It's nice to know that had the Mormon pioneers been plagued by baby ducks instead of crickets, the gulls would've had our backs then, too.
21 -- A Clearfield police officer is razzed by fellow officers after taking what witnesses say was 10 shots to bring down an injured deer in a resident's backyard. In his defense, most law-enforcement officials say it can take a lot of firepower to stop these animals when they get all hopped up on meth like that.
June
4 -- On what had to be the slowest news day of the year (it led the front page the next day), Ogden firefighters save 11 fuzzy ducklings and their mother from a storm drain. Awww.
13 -- Lightning strikes the Angel Moroni atop the spire of the soon-to-be-dedicated Oquirrh Mountain LDS Temple, setting off a huge debate in the community about whether or not it was some sort of sign -- good or bad -- from God. Because it couldn't have had anything to do with the fact that the thing just happens to be metallic and the highest point in the area.
17 -- Finally. A little good news involving the H1N1 flu outbreak, as a Clearfield LDS stake decides to cancel church meetings. The move is applauded by 11-year-old boys everywhere.
18 -- The rocket team at Utah State University is now two-for-two, once again winning a national competition sponsored by NASA to launch a rocket into space. Thinking back to the government's February decision to make USU one of four schools in the country chosen to research nuclear energy, does anyone else think it might not have been such a good idea to give a bunch of nuclear material to a group of young people who are that good at building rockets? After all, isn't this how North Korea got its start?
27 -- After being banned at Brigham Young University since 2006, YouTube is allowed back on campus. Despite this softening tone, at a press conference BYU quarterback Max Hall announces that he hates the popular video Web site, suspecting it was invented by a University of Utah graduate.
July
2 -- On the second-slowest news day of the year, 10 more adorable little baby ducks are saved from a storm drain, this time in Clinton. Some speculate these latest ducklings are merely publicity hounds who heard it was a great way to get into the newspaper. Which would make them sort of the John and Kate Gosselin of the duck world.
7 -- Who says there's never anything good on TV? Ogden Mayor Matthew Godfrey encourages the city council to broadcast its meetings on Ogden Channel 17. As news of the possible programming leaks out, stock prices for Ambien, Lunesta and other sleep-aid products tumble sharply.
9 -- A gay couple is detained and cited for trespassing after sharing a kiss on LDS Church property. Gay organizations, already angry over that whole Proposition 8 thing in California, organize a series of "kiss-ins" at LDS temples. So really, if you think about it, gays should be thanking the church for bringing them closer together.
28 -- A boy, not wanting to attend church, leads police on a chase after stealing the family car. Can't he just climb on a roof, like other boys?
August
9 -- A large group of bikers calling themselves Critical Mass have several ugly confrontations with motorists in downtown Ogden during the group's monthly ride. Bikers! It figures. Wait, what? They're cyclists? Wow, even the spandex-wearing cappuccino crowd is tough in Ogden.
29 -- Road rage goes healthy. In a clear-cut case of a drive-by fruiting, a man in an SUV throws chunks of cantaloupe at a woman in another vehicle. "Had this been a larger member of the produce family, say a pumpkin or -- heaven forbid -- a watermelon, we could have had a real tragedy on our hands," said an officer investigating the incident. "The take-home lessons are obvious: Don't drive angry, and don't consume fruit angry."
September
13 -- The LDS Church, not wanting to profit from "ill-gotten gains," returns more than $200,000 in tithing paid by Val Southwick, who was convicted in 2008 of bilking 800 investors of $142 million. Apparently, Southwick thought God was in his upline.
21 -- Just hours before the curtain goes up, Brigham Young University cancels a University of Utah production of the Greek tragedy "The Bakkhai," due to references to wine and sex in the play. In a press conference following the cancellation, BYU quarterback Max Hall says he's glad the production was canceled because he suspects actors would have thrown wine on his family and, frankly, he hates everything about the U of U theater department.
23 -- For the second time this month, a large stand of marijuana plants is discovered -- and destroyed -- in Morgan County. What do you people want from the poor working families of Morgan? First, you tell them they shouldn't be raising minks; now you tell them they can't grow marijuana.
October
20 -- Layton officials are discussing inflatable gorillas, balloons, flags and the like as they consider changes to the city sign ordinance. Officials say they want to be business-friendly, but not look like a Mardi Gras-type town. A Mardi Gras-type town? In Utah? Yeah, that could happen.
29 -- Crews use a snowplow to remove a load of chicken parts scattered on an Interstate 15 on-ramp. We've got no joke here, just thought that image was a particularly powerful one.
November
5 -- A second blast at the Silver Eagle Refinery damages homes and rattles residents. Within days, officials announce they'll be suspending operations at the refinery. And after two explosions in the same year, it's probably for the best.
10 -- Bountiful is looking at the problem of a growing deer population within the city's boundaries, and how best to deal with it. Meanwhile, we can't help but think that, somewhere in a thicket in the mountains, deer are holding a meeting to discuss the growing people problem in their winter range.
12 -- Animal-rights group PETA says University of Utah researchers are cruel to animals, and they have video proof. At a press conference in support of PETA's allegations, BYU quarterback Max Hall says he hates everything about U of U researchers and their projects.
18 -- A bright flash illuminates the night sky over Utah as a rock from outer space explodes in the atmosphere. "Wasn't us, I swear," a spokesman for Silver Eagle Refinery says.
25 -- In a modern-day Cinderella story, Real Salt Lake wins the Major League Soccer crown, defeating the Los Angeles Galaxy in the championship match in Seattle. Back in Salt Lake City, the victory touches off a raucous celebration among the team's dozen or so fans.
December
14 -- Susan Ross, the woman who used a fraudulent textbook scheme to scam $4 million -- from disadvantaged children in the Davis School District, no less -- won't be seeing the inside of a prison after an apparently adoring judge gave her probation instead. "Mrs. Ross is not likely to recommit this type of crime," the judge said, before "sentencing" her. (And we use that term loosely.) Cool. So committing a crime once is OK, as long as you're not likely to recommit it? The judge also told Ross: "Society can benefit from your exceptional skills." That part's true. We could always use more politicians.
18 -- The growing obesity problem has finally come home to roost, so to speak. City officials say the ducks at Bicentennial Park in North Ogden have become too fat to fly south for the winter. Somewhere in the Top of Utah, gangs of gulls are licking their beaks.
Special thanks to research assistant Tyler "Jaguar" Saal. (He's available, ladies.) Contact Mark Saal at (801) 625-4272 or msaal@standard.net.
