The Dating Games: Online services, blind dating and speed dating

Adrienne Gillespie understands the labor of finding love.

She understands the ups and downs of dating. She tried speed dating about five years ago and used online dating in some capacity for over a decade until she found her steady beau last year. That included using multiple online services -- at the same time.

When she couldn't find her perfect match, she looked at her profile and contemplated what she could change.

"They will only search in the parameters that you set," said Gillespie, director of the Weber State University Diversity Center.

She had set her parameters to search for people in Utah. She decided to expand that to neighboring states -- and the payoff was almost instantaneous.  

"People kind of think that love should be easy, and that is a very romantic idea," said Gillespie. "I would love for love to be easy. But it takes a lot of work to find somebody. It takes a lot to put that kind of energy into a relationship."

Nowadays, there are more ways than ever to find a date. But consider, the whole notion of dating is still a relatively new concept.

"I think about dating as an invention of about 1920s. Because before that, it was courtship," said Brenda Marsteller Kowalewski, sociology professor at Weber State University. "Courtship was very different. Courtship was chaperoned. There was this sort of elaborate process that had to go on in order to even court someone."

The invention of the automobile helped usher in the dating era. Couples could even ditch the chaperone.

With the dawning of the Internet era, Kowalewski said, "now you can access people all over the world."

Online services

Alisa Goodwin Snell, an Ogden dating coach and author of "Dating Game Secrets for Marrying A Good Man" (Bonneville Books, 2008), has been a big advocate of online services like eHarmony or Match.com.

"For anyone who is over the age of 30, they seriously need to consider the Internet," Snell said, "because it is a numbers game and they need to go where the numbers are." More people in that age bracket use online dating, she said.

* "You know a lot more upfront," said Weber State University's Adrienne Gillespie. Some people used to rely on classified ads, but online profiles allow for longer descriptions.

* The Internet is still about making that first impression, so special attention should be paid to crafting a profile, Snell said. "The picture is really critical because that is their marketing tool -- the primary way that somebody is going to make that connection," she said.

As for the accompanying photograph, Snell said, don't use harsh lighting, watch for shadows on the face, and "make sure you are not standing next to your ex and you crop her out except for her shoulder, or showing some kind of wedding photo of yourself."

If you have not been getting any reaction online recently, she suggests changing your profile with new keywords and a different photograph.

* Do you tell the truth, or not? Online dating has carried a stereotype of people pretending to be someone they're not.

"I think people can become a little jaded because the photos are not really representative of the way they look like in the moment," Gillespie said. "But when you have this medium, you tend to be either extremely honest or a liar."

Sociology professor Brenda Marsteller Kowalewski believes that people tend to be more honest with online dating services than when face to face.

"It's sort of like: I have nothing to lose and I am telling the truth," Kowalewski said. "And you really are going to be honest about the stuff that is most important to you."

"Anytime you are face to face with someone, you are not as honest."

Blind dating

* Family matchmaking is still alive and well.

"A lot of people shy away from blind dates. They don't want to do blind dates. They are disappointing, uncomfortable," said Ogden dating coach Alisa Goodwin Snell.

But Snell said that you can take control.

"I often recommend for people to contact their families and say, 'OK, I am ready for a blind date if you have somebody that meets these qualities.' And you specifically spell out: 'This is who I am looking for,' " Snell said.

* Blind dates can also be risky for the matchmakers.

"It's really hard because people don't want to be the one to set you up with someone who breaks your heart," said Adrienne Gillespie, director of the Weber State University Diversity Center,. "Then it could potentially damage the friendship."

* When someone recommends a date, Snell said, have them tell you what qualities that person has that would be good for you.

"If they could answer that question, then I would be more than happy to go on a blind date," Snell said.

Speed dating

* "It's another great way to met someone new, have a lot of dates in one night, and if you are trying to get your feet wet again," said the Weber State University Diversity Center's Adrienne Gillespie, who tried out speed dating about five years ago.

* First impressions can backfire on speed dating, according to sociologist Brenda Marsteller Kowalewski.

"You get an immediate sense whether or not there is any immediate physical attraction. But that's all you get. You only get the surface," she said.

Instead, she said, it's better to go out on a real date with someone you might not have felt an immediate physical attraction to.

"Because the more you talk, the more you get to know this person, the more they become a feeling and attractive to you," Kowalewski said.

* Practice makes perfect. According to dating expert Alisa Goodwin Snell, some women might have psychological conflicts with the format of speed dating.

"The challenge with speed dating is that (women) don't like to flirt in front of other women," Snell said. "They feel vulnerable. They feel uncomfortable with other women."

Women should bring friends to speed dating events so they can practice their flirting in the presence of each other, Snell said, because flirting is exactly the reaction men look for.

"Guys have to have some indication that you are interested and the only way they are going to know is if you're flirting," Snell said.

* If you're intrigued by a speed date, tell that person you are interested in a phone call and walk away.

That's the advice Snell gives for women on a speed date.