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Life at the Top

Uh, hello ... the elections are over

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner Standard-Examiner

Last updated Saturday, November 10, 2012 - 11:52pm

Say what you will about brutal dictatorships, but at least they don’t subject their populace to bitterly contested presidential elections every four years.

Utah wasn’t even a “battleground state,” so the campaign attack ads weren’t nearly as bad as they were in places like Ohio and Florida. And yet, even here in relatively politically ignored Utah, by last weekend the normally sweet-tempered woman who shares my television was ready to put her size 9 bunny slipper right through the screen.

Now that the 2012 race is over, I believe I speak for Americans everywhere — and even several eavesdropping alien civilizations unlucky enough to be monitoring our broadcast transmissions of late — when I say the thing we’re most grateful for at the Thanksgiving season is that this whole election unpleasantness is finally behind us.

Or is it?

Seems some of you out there didn’t get the memo.

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Caller shows class by not going all ‘Misery’ on offending writer

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Saturday, November 3, 2012 - 11:30pm

I was sitting at my desk, doing what I normally do on a Friday afternoon (fight sleep, look busy, work on an excuse to get out of there early and start my weekend), when the phone rang.

“Standard-Examiner, this is Mark,” I said.

The voice on the other end came right to the point: “Yes, this is Kathy Bates. Do you remember a column you did about six months ago on the Westboro Baptist Church and the funeral for the Powell boys?”

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'Baby Charlie' brings large handcart family together

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, June 17, 2012 - 5:48am

"Families," the well-known Mormon slogan tells us, "can be forever."

But sometimes, it's just for three days.

Which, let's face it, can actually feel like forever. Especially if you happen to be stuck out in the middle of heaven-knows-where with a "family" made up of your real-life spouse, 10 totally unrelated teenagers, and one 7-pound beanbag vaguely shaped like an infant. (Don't ask.)

Welcome to the Farmington 21st Ward's Pioneer Trek 2012.

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Rest your fears, folks; 'raps' in Southern Utah a success

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, June 3, 2012 - 7:37am

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself."

-- Soren Kierkegaard

Two weeks ago, I wrote about my considerable fear of heights, and how my friend and neighbor -- canyoneering ninja Shane Holst -- was attempting to help me master that fear. His brilliant plan, in a nutshell, involved taking me to Southern Utah over Memorial Day weekend, attaching me to a rope, and pushing me off the side of the first dizzyingly deep canyon we came to. (Imagine Shane's remedy if I'd told him I have a fear of bees; I'd be writing this covered in large, red welts right now.)

And just in case anyone is interested in the final score, here's how Shane's patented Acrophobia Intervention Plan shakes out:

Saal -- 3

Southern Utah canyons -- 0

That's right, people. I came, I saw, I kicked some red rock.

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D-Box movie literally an earth-shaking experience

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, May 27, 2012 - 12:52pm

Some of you -- mostly, the ones who clearly have nothing else of importance to remember in your lives -- may recall that a couple of months ago in this very space I reviewed the exciting new young-adult film "The Hunger Games."

It was the first time in years that I'd darkened the doorstep of a movieplex, and frankly, I was blown away by the recent technological advances in the film industry.

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Holy heck, this columnist hopes this is not his last column

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, May 20, 2012 - 7:45am

You need to know that I have a healthy fear of things beginning with the letter H.

I'm not really sure what they'd call such a fear -- aitchophobia, I suppose -- but it includes a fairly long list of things I hate. Horses. Hospitals. Hairpieces. Hyphens (just you try and figure out when to use one). Haunted houses. Hoodies. Hypnotists (Cree-py!). Hygienists. Haggis. Hypodermic needles. The list goes on.

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As blue-collar comedian Ron White says, you can't fix stupid

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, May 6, 2012 - 7:37am

We've seen wars come and we've seen wars go.

The War on Terror. The War on Poverty. The War on Christmas. The War on Women.

We've seen wars on democracy and socialism, wars on religion and atheism, wars on trans fats and short people. There have been wars on disco, science, the environment and high prices. There's even been a War on Guns.

But this latest war is, truly, the war to end all wars.

Call it "The War on the War on Drugs."

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Step right up and get your One Direction tickets before it's too late

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, April 22, 2012 - 7:41am

So, what are you doing in exactly one year, three months and three days? Got any plans?

What? Couldn't even begin to hazard a guess as to what's on the ol' agenda for that date? Me neither. In fact, I'm not sure I could tell you what I'll be doing next weekend.

But, apparently, thousands of tweenyboppers know exactly where they'll be on that fateful day -- July 25, 2013. They'll be in beautiful, scenic West Valley City at the One Direction concert, swaying to the sounds of some as-yet-unwritten tunes.

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OK, Flatland, what's not to like about Saal columns?

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, April 15, 2012 - 7:37am

It's like being back in the schoolyards of my youth, choosing up teams for baseball.

A couple of weeks ago, ace reporter Scott Schwebke stopped me in the newsroom. "Hey, Saal," he said. "Did you hear about the idiot who just got caught plagiarizing stuff from humor columnists all over the country?"

I shook my head. Curiously, for someone who works at a newspaper, I'm often the last one to hear about things.

Scott shrugged. "Well, you should check on the Internet and see if he took any of yours."

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'We're Back II' aims to stop violence -- with violence?

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, April 8, 2012 - 8:04am

He is risen.

No, wait. He's down again. And this time, it looks like he's out for the count.

Ah, yes. Nothing quite says "Holy Week" like guys with angry facial expressions and the occasional neck tats, beating on each other like they were rented mules.

Last night, on what many Christians refer to as "Holy Saturday," the mixed-martial-arts fight promoter Total Mayhem presented "We're Back II." The event, at The Gym in West Haven, offered a dozen matches of hardly-any-holds-barred ultimate fighting.

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'The Hunger Games' a little rough, but the quesadillas rocked

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, April 1, 2012 - 8:32am

Last week, I went with my wife to see "The Hunger Games."

Now, had I been a 10-year-old, and had my wife been my mother, this very act could have been considered borderline child abuse. Because, apparently, if you let your younger children have anything to do with "The Hunger Games," you may as well hand them a pair of scissors and tell them to sprint up and down the stairs.

It's all because of the violence. Which is actually quite refreshing when you think about it, since folks are usually asking how come we always freak out about sex, but we seem to be OK with our children being exposed to any old violent thing.

Well, you'll be happy to know that now we're freaking out about violence, too. And not just any violence, but kid-on-kid violence.

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Yes, kids, get ready to go back to school with earbuds

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, March 25, 2012 - 8:19am

Today's column is specifically written for you younger, school-age readers in the 11th grade or below. And you might want to sit down for this next part:

Hey, kids! So, how was your summer? Ready to hit the books again?

No?

Well, you'd better get ready. Because here at the Standard-Examiner, believe it or not, we've already received our first back-to-school advertisement rumblings.

That's right, apparently back-to-school time is right around the corner, even though out-of-school time is still months away.

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Each of Utah's political caucuses so unlike the other

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, March 18, 2012 - 7:10am

Good morning, boys and girls. Today we present a little something I like to call "Fun With Civics."

The Democrats and the Republicans held their respective party caucuses -- cauci? -- this past week, and the contrast between the two groups was stark, to say the least.

A caucus -- other than being just a really fun word to say aloud (Hey kids! Wanna get Mom or Dad's undivided attention? Casually mention to them that one of the older kids at school asked if you'd like a peek at a caucus.) -- is a special meeting where voters elect delegates to represent them at various party conventions and functions. And yes, caucusing is every bit as exciting as it sounds.

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Legislative session packed with ... pretty much nothing

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, March 11, 2012 - 8:04am

What's wrong with me?

This week's column was to be my crowning achievement, the absolute best humor piece of the year. Forty-five days in the making, I just knew it was going to be the funniest, most scathingly sarcastic wad o' journalism I'd written in a long, long while.

At least since last March.

But something happened on the way to putting together this wrap-up rant on the 2012 version of the bad TV reality show that is the Utah Legislature. Or, more accurately, nothing happened.

Features, Abortion, Federal Lands, Life at the Top, Mark Saal, Pledge of Allegiance, Sex Education, Staff column, Utah Legislature Read more Comments

It seems that proxy conversions are all the rage these days

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, March 4, 2012 - 9:36am

Racist homophobes, with latent polygamous tendencies, who have a thing for dead Jews.

That about cover it?

The public relations nightmare continues for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with the latest brouhaha over the LDS practice of baptism for the dead.

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