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Mark Saal

Each of Utah's political caucuses so unlike the other

Last updated Sunday, March 18, 2012 - 7:10am

Good morning, boys and girls. Today we present a little something I like to call "Fun With Civics."

The Democrats and the Republicans held their respective party caucuses -- cauci? -- this past week, and the contrast between the two groups was stark, to say the least.

A caucus -- other than being just a really fun word to say aloud (Hey kids! Wanna get Mom or Dad's undivided attention? Casually mention to them that one of the older kids at school asked if you'd like a peek at a caucus.) -- is a special meeting where voters elect delegates to represent them at various party conventions and functions. And yes, caucusing is every bit as exciting as it sounds.

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Legislative session packed with ... pretty much nothing

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, March 11, 2012 - 8:04am

What's wrong with me?

This week's column was to be my crowning achievement, the absolute best humor piece of the year. Forty-five days in the making, I just knew it was going to be the funniest, most scathingly sarcastic wad o' journalism I'd written in a long, long while.

At least since last March.

But something happened on the way to putting together this wrap-up rant on the 2012 version of the bad TV reality show that is the Utah Legislature. Or, more accurately, nothing happened.

Features, Abortion, Federal Lands, Life at the Top, Mark Saal, Pledge of Allegiance, Sex Education, Staff column, Utah Legislature Read more Comments

It seems that proxy conversions are all the rage these days

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, March 4, 2012 - 9:36am

Racist homophobes, with latent polygamous tendencies, who have a thing for dead Jews.

That about cover it?

The public relations nightmare continues for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with the latest brouhaha over the LDS practice of baptism for the dead.

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Don't touch this: Men, leave women's reproductive issues alone

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, February 26, 2012 - 8:39am

Women's reproductive issues have been in the news a lot lately.

Not that I know what anybody's saying about them. Because frankly, every time I read or hear the term "women's reproductive issues," I immediately turn the page or change the channel. Why? Because I grew up in a more prim and proper era. One in which a true gentleman didn't discuss a lady's reproductive system.

At least, not if he ever hoped to get a peek at it.

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You'd think professional haters would get their hate straight

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, February 12, 2012 - 8:41am

Even by Westboro Baptist Church standards -- and let's face it, these folks do manage to set the bar impressively low -- their latest antics are positively repugnant.

The tiny church that believes God hates everybody but their own little in-bred congregation has officially sunk to all-new depths.

OK, so maybe they changed their puny minds after this column was written. But as of Friday morning, Westboro Baptist Church had planned to picket this weekend's funeral for 7-year-old Charlie Powell and 5-year-old Braden Powell, the brothers who were blown up in a gasoline-fueled murder-suicide perpetrated by their father in the Graham, Wash., area.

And why would a so-called church picket the funeral of two young innocents, cruelly and violently torn from this life by the one person who should have loved them best? Why, to protest same-sex marriages, of course.

Well, of course.

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The games also provided anecdotes to somewhat smile about

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Monday, February 13, 2012 - 4:16pm

Ten years.

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Latter days? Journalist actually wanted to interview me

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, February 5, 2012 - 8:45am

I've had a fairly strict policy for a number of years now: Never allow myself to be interviewed by a journalist. Ever.

Seriously, those people can't get anything right.

Besides, journalists interviewing other journalists seems just a bit too, well, incestuous.

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'Cougars' for mascot not all that bad, considering

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, January 29, 2012 - 9:01am

Now that the laughter has all but subsided over a Utah high school almost making Demi Moore its official mascot, we can explore the issue objectively.

I applaud the Canyons School District for erring on the side of caution by avoiding "Cougar" as the mascot for the new Corner Canyon High School in Draper. But here's the irony: Even if they had called it the Corner Canyon Sexually Predatory Older Women, that still wouldn't be as bad as some of the others in the state. That's right, folks, there's more housecleaning to be done on this whole high school mascot problem.

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Ogden truly the best place for a grassroots Sundance experience

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, January 22, 2012 - 6:24am

The annual three-ring spectacle that is the Sundance Film Festival is under way, and we all know what THAT means.

Avoid. Park. City.

Seriously. Avoid it like the plague. Avoid it like a rush-hour stretch of Interstate 15 through Utah County. Avoid it like a fellow ward member in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon.

Mark my words, people: Nothing good can ever come of a trip to Colorado's westernmost city in mid-to-late January.

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Can't wait to see what Mayor C has up his sleeve

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, January 15, 2012 - 8:53am

Today, we present a little friendly advice for the new guy ...

Now that Ogden officially has a replacement mayor in the honorable Mike Caldwell, I believe I speak for city residents everywhere when I say that Mr. Caldwell has some pret-ty big shoes to fill.

Big. Floppy. Shoes.

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Funny how Santa goes in and out of -- and back into -- our lives

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Sunday, December 25, 2011 - 9:15am

It's The Big Day. And as such, I won't make you wait any longer to open my gift to you.

Here it is, your eagerly awaited parody song for the Ninth Annual Standard-Examiner Life at the Top o' Utah Holiday Gift o' Music Gala Giveaway and Karaoke Extravaganza:

"Oh, you'd better watch out/ You'd better not cry/ You'd better not pout/ I'm telling you why/ Santa Claus is nothing more than an imaginary mythical figure with roots in the historic and folkloric traditions of any number of Western cultures ..."

Ha! Just try singing THAT one around the ol' holiday spinet.

Now, for the benefit of any of you young tykes out there who might be reading this -- and if you are, somebody really ought to call the Division of Child and Family Services on your parents -- let me just say that your old Uncle Mark does indeed believe in the existence of Santa Claus.

But that wasn't always the case. A little holiday story, if I may ...

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Conductor, audience not making such beautiful music

Mark Saal Standard-Examiner

Last updated Wednesday, December 7, 2011 - 12:05pm

Michael Palumbo's deep, dark secret is finally out.

Apparently, the Weber State University music professor hates handicapped people. And small children. Oh, and puppies and kitties and bunnies. And maybe even a rainbow or sunset or two.

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The great United Way hair battle of 2011 decided by a whisker

Charles F. Trentelman Standard-Examiner

Last updated Monday, October 31, 2011 - 11:08pm

As I type this, it is 11 a.m. Monday. I do not know who has won the hair/beard United Way fundraising thing some idiot (columnist Mark Saal) dreamed up and another idiot (me) agreed to. This lets me write today's column in "real time," like some weird TV reality show.

Instead of getting booted off the island, the loser gets a free haircut or shave.

Charles Trentelman, Facial Hair, Fundraiser, Mark Saal, Staff column, United Way, Utah, Wasatch Rambler Read more Comments