I was in Washington state over the holidays and went out to eat with my mother and sister.
Our waitress bounded up to the table and gave us a sugar sweet Disneyland performance. I couldn't decide if she thought we were preschoolers, or just really simple-minded.
As she left the table, my sister and I snickered a little at her manner, rolling our eyes and reverting to what can only be described as adolescent behavior. My mother sat there looking at the two of us, slightly horrified. In her nicest, gentlest way, she said, "Actually, I thought she was really nice."
The second the words were out of her mouth I regretted my behavior. I've never, ever heard my folks poke fun at anyone; what kind of uncivilized heathen have I let myself become?
Here's the thing about words. Whether you're talking about people you know or complete strangers, gossip is a nasty thing. From water coolers to e-mail, there are few relationships that don't eventually pull us into the high tide of behind the back chatter.
Something about this particular experience really bothered me. It bothered me that I could toss around unkind opinions about someone I don't even know without a second thought. Is that really how I want to be? How I want my children to be? Hey, we all know who they're watching.
Words are powerful, and the things we say out loud shape who we are. Just because we don't like something someone says or does doesn't mean that the person is bad. But there's something about that little pinch of information, or that little dig, that can spice up a conversation and make things seem more lively.
Do it regularly enough and the adrenaline rush gets to be an addiction. Because that's what gossip is. It's an addiction.
I was listening to Dr. Laura (whom I sometimes love and sometimes want to kick) and heard the most interesting call. A woman called in to talk about someone in her family. Dr. Laura listened for a moment then said the following (please forgive the paraphrasing here).
"This is none of your business," Dr. Laura said.
"But--"
"No. Do you know what you are? You are an addict. You actually get an adrenaline rush from talking about people, I can hear it in your voice. You are addicted to information and the high that comes from sharing it. You have to stop. Now."
I had never thought about gossip like that before, and I'll never see it the same way again. She was totally right. Whether or not we want to admit it, venting and judging and poking fun at the human frailty around us does offer a sort of high. And it's an expensive high because someone else pays the price.
When my folks were first married, they attended a party where most of the people were unfamiliar to them. On the way home, my mother (who was quite young at the time) began to complain about a particular patron.
After she'd gotten her thoughts completely off her chest, my dad sat for a moment before answering. "You know," he finally said, "I really just try to see the good in people." He wasn't being patronizing, and he wasn't being obnoxious, it was just the facts. And that moment changed my mom forever.
I think the big problem with most gossip is that it comes from an urge to vent, to analyze, to make sense of the actions of those around us. Whether we're talking about someone's behavior, or breaking down their character to "better understand them," it's rarely the constructive tool we like to think it is.
Unfortunately, I don't know anyone (myself included) who doesn't find themselves in need of a listening ear on occasion, someone to validate their thoughts and feelings. Whether it's an issue of marriage or family relationships, work related problems or neighborhood disruptions, things come up and we have to talk about them.
So what is the solution? Where is the happy medium? Does it count as gossip if the person you're talking to doesn't know anything about the situation? Is it legal if you begin every phrase with the universal gossip disclaimer, "Bless her heart?"
For me, I think I've found a nice balance between that old adage we all learned in kindergarten and a little advice from my mother. My number one New Year's resolution is simple: If you can't say anything nice, talk to God. It's really His problem anyway.
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