I have lost many a loved one and been a part of writing too many obituaries or eulogies so I know how difficult and or personal and emotional that job can be. Our family losses were due to many different causes.
Some were expected after a long healthy and happy lives, others were immediate and tragic. Some were from long and or very short battles with cancer and still others were from drug- or alcohol-related injuries or similar circumstances; but without a doubt, a direct consequence or side effect (for lack of better words), of depression or mental illness on some level.
My point is that we tried to gracefully describe the cause of death in those obituaries that were so tragic or so shocking, so that others might be touched by them in a meaningful and positive way.
It seems that obituaries, for the most part, are not written that way. And I can understand why most families do not reveal as much. They may be in too much pain to think of others at the time, they may be embarrassed or just plain sick and confused considering certain circumstances. They may not want to "announce" or even mention the negative cause that "took" their loved one away. Yet, I wonder if announcing the culprit and/or exposing it wouldn't somehow help all of us?
I wonder why we don't try to change the tradition of obituary writing? I wonder if it would help if we all started to announce the reason for the death, bringing awareness to certain things. I wonder if that loved one wouldn't actually be "served" and honored by such an announcement and "warning" to those who read the paper? Even with all of our technology, it seems that the paper is still the good, 'ole-fashioned dependable way to announce things like births and deaths. It is the last of the written word, dependable and tangible, and the same is available on a daily basis to the whole community.
I look at some young people who have passed and I just wonder, "why her" or "how did that happen?" Was it like my cousin in a tragic accident? Was it breast cancer, like my beautiful aunt? Was it a heart attack like one of my grandpas? What if it was gracefully announced? Would youngsters take drinking and driving more seriously? How about texting and driving? Alcohol-related? Would families talk more openly about depression and mental illness? Would we stop labeling people and begin to realize that we are all in this together?
I wonder if we could write obits that way, without disrespecting those who have passed, and rather honoring them in some way. "John Doe, our beloved son, father and brother passed on this day 2010, his death was caused by a texting-related car accident or he passed from unchecked prostate cancer. ..." or, "John passed after a long battle with depression, but fought to make it less of a stigma for others, etc. ..."
Not everyone can go to a funeral and learn of the loved one's life, but everyone does read the obituaries and everyone has at least one second of thought about that person. Wouldn't it be great if that thought sparked discussion, education and prevention? Wouldn't it honor those who had passed if the last thing written about them saved another life?
If we just couldn't get over some bitterness related to the death, then obviously we would simply announce the basics, but I think we are capable of changing and making new traditions. I think we are capable of changing lives and being more open about those we have lost, thus saving more!
The more we hang on to stigmas the more they flourish and the more we keep things to ourselves, the less educated we are. Write it how it really happened.
In memory of:
* grandpa (happy old age)
* grandma great (happy old age)
* best friend (suicide)
* aunt (breast cancer)
* aunt (overdose)
* uncle (prostate-stomach cancer)
* young aunt (victim of car accident alcohol-related)
* aunt (medication for depression)
* young cousin (accidental hanging 'game')
* friend (stroke, lifestyle-related)
* cousin (sadness, untreated depression)
* friend (suicide)
Musgrove lives in Ogden.
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