What's in a name?
Plenty, if you're a sports star who decides to pick a new one midway through his career.
Or, better yet, near the end.
Witness Lakers defensive ace Metta World Peace, formerly known as Ron Artest until filing for a legal name change last week.
Yep, that's the same Artest who was right in the middle of one of the ugliest fan riots in sports history (The Palace revolt of 2004), not to mention some nasty play last month against the Mavericks.
This got me to thinking. (I know. Pretty dangerous.)
If Artest can channel his inner World B. (nee Lloyd) Free, what names might other contemporary sports figures choose if we forced them to pick something just as ironic or at least nearly as clunky?
Turns out there's no shortage of options. Those energetic folks at the DMV had better get ready:
Kenny B. Clutch: LeBron James decides to have a little fun with his legion of critics after a disappointing showing in the NBA Finals.
Back 2 Reality: LeBron's backup choice in case his first idea is already taken by Alex Rodriguez. (Possibility that copyright ran out in 2009. Must investigate.)
Cigars R. Healthy: Eighty-year old Marlins manager Jack McKeon finds a fresh new way to take his marketing prowess into overdrive. Runner-up: Jack Notna Box.
Late Night Perkins: Why keep trying to outrun those embarrassing peccadilloes that cost Tiger Woods his golf career? It's time to embrace them in hopes of moving on.
Beymour Polite: Not to be confused with the Dolphins fullback, this is the new moniker for trash-talking Mavericks forward DeShawn Stevenson, last seen wearing a T-shirt reading "How's my Dirk taste?" at a post-Finals party.
C. Primal Energy: Heat coach Erik Spoelstra takes one of his more regrettable "Wired For Sound" TV talks during the Finals and immortalizes it by meeting it head-on.
Han Solo: Marlins star Hanley Ramirez lets the world know how it feels to be all alone in your home clubhouse.
Chad Cool: No, this isn't in honor of Chad Henne's, uh, statuesque endorsement work on behalf of a certain South Florida air conditioning company. It's just a way, by channeling Joe Montana, to help him get past his reputation for those fourth-quarter meltdowns.
Production B. Foretalk: Entering Year 7 of his NFL career, loquacious Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder seeks to remake his mouthy image. Runnerup: They Hate Me.
Tony F.N. Walnuts: Hey, the guy is heading into his fourth year as an NFL coach, and folks still keep tripping over Tony Sparano's name. Why fight it any longer?
Waitull Nextyear: Your neighbor's kid isn't the only one enjoying a Bright Futures scholarship. Panthers GM Dale Tallon has one going too.
Sorry No Comment: Dolphins owner Steve Ross chooses a daily reminder of his propensity to mispeak as he adjusts to the voracious sports jungle.
Blame Eton Rio: Everybody likes to point the finger at Heat point guard Mario Chalmers, who can't seem to stop himself from talking smack at the most inopportune times.
Willie Everspend: Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria takes those widespread fears about his team's future payrolls in a new ballpark and mocks them.
Ima B. Me: Vontae Davis shows once more he has what it takes to play cornerback in the NFL.
Ngata Distraction: Brandon Marshall, with a little help from Ravens lineman Haloti (silent "G") Ngata, lays out his latest personality reformation plan.
Czech Now Please: Panthers goaltender Tomas Vokoun isn't going to beg for a new contract, but a subtle nudge can't hurt as his bosses keep dragging their feet.
B. Thuhball Danny: Can't help it. Every time I look at Rory McIlroy, I see the shaggy-haired, white-pants-wearin' young hero of "Caddyshack."
His Holisticness: Ricky Williams takes the next logical step in his quest for eternal truth.
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