Standard-Examiner movie critic?

H

ow would I describe “Zookeeper”??

It’s basically a live-action version of “Madagascar” with a bunch of stupid humans clogging up the comedic works.?Animals funny. People dumb.?The better question might be: What has happened to Kevin James? He used to be funny. Now he’s just awkward.?He plays softhearted, softer-headed Griffin Keyes, a zookeeper who loves his job — and the animals love him. He’s still reeling from one of the best-planned worst marriage proposals of all time, where his intended, Stephanie (Leslie Bibb), turned him down flat, amidst the elaborate setting of a horseback ride on a sunset beach.?Five years later, she mysteriously reappears at a pre-wedding zoo party for Griffin’s brother and his fianceé (Kevin’s real-life wife, Steffiana De La Cruz).?Griffin is completely tongue-tied, prompting the zoo animals to break their “code of silence” and try to help the poor schlub with some how-to-land-your-female advice. Joe the Lion (Sylvester Stallone) tells him he has to treat her roughly. Jerome and Bruce (the two bears, Jon Favreau and Faizon Love) try to teach him how to strut his stuff.?Sebastian the Wolf (Bas Rutten) shows him how to mark his territory. And yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking. And Donald the Monkey (Adam Sandler) says Griffin should just throw poop at her.?It’s obvious Stephanie is trying to make Griffin into something he’s not. It’s even more obvious that the right girl (Rosario Dawson) is right under his nose. But the filmmakers are determined to drag every cliched animal behavior gag out of poor Kevin James, to embarrassing new heights.?Meanwhile, Bernie the Gorilla (Nick Nolte) is sad because he no longer has a view of the outside world, explained as punishment for allegedly attacking a cruel zoo worker (Donnie Wahlberg), which Bernie didn’t do. Later, Wahlberg beats the gorilla off-camera in retaliation — wow, how’s that even possible and why would they include that??But never fear, Griffin is going to cheer Bernie up by taking him to T.G.I. Friday’s for some dinner and dancing, telling the patrons they just came back from a costume party. One young lady is even in a bear-hug dance with the primate, acting like she’s found the one. Really??Honestly, when the animals are talking amongst themselves, the movie has life, lots of humor and it’s fun. When the people interject, they drag it down with their ridiculous scenarios, petty problems and constant whining.?When you have animal voice talent like Nolte, Stallone, Cher, Sandler, Favreau, Judd Apatow, Maya Rudolph and Don Rickles, why bother with some lame love story featuring the big man making an absolute fool of himself? If there is an organization that works to stop the unethical treatment of human actors, it should be called.?”Zookeeper” could have been cute and cuddly. Instead, I feel like the wolf and the monkey got their way.?

Steve Salles can be reached at films@standard.net.