Remember when you thought the absolute stupidest thing a human being could come up with was the Tide Pod Challenge?
We begin this week with an apology:
It’s almost Christmas Eve, that special night when Santa Claus travels the world, leaving presents for all the good girls and boys — and lumps of coal for the bad ones.
If it’s December, it must be time for this embedded journalist’s annual report from the the front lines of the War on Christmas.
On this Thanksgiving weekend, it seems only fitting to take a moment to talk about the things for which we’re thankful.
It was — even for those of us who didn’t know him all that well — nothing short of a gut punch.
“Donald Trump is the worst president in U.S. history. He ought to be impeached.”
It’s almost Halloween. Wanna hear something really scary?
OK, people. It’s time to address the emotional support elephant in the room.
Mark the date, people: Oct. 6, 2018.
Let this be a lesson to you teenagers out there: Nothing good can ever come from being young, horny and stupid.
You should know I don’t give a rat’s rear end about my physical address.
OGDEN — It took more than 40 years, but I finally attended my very first homecoming dance.
Talk about your shams …
I don’t like to say “I told you so,” but, well, I did indeed tell you so.
I’m not saying it’s like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Just in time for the impending War in Space, along comes …
“For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”
Global warming, global schmarming.
Thanks to an unhinged gunman with a grudge against an East Coast newspaper, it’s about to start heating up here in the Standard-Examiner’s newsroom.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in nearly three decades of writing opinion pieces for the Standard-Examiner, it’s that no situation is so utterly, hopelessly and totally messed up that a certain half-witted columnist can’t make it much worse by chiming in on the subject.
I’ve never put much stock in awards.
Con·sult·ant (kən sult’nt) n. A person you pay for doing the job you were supposed to be doing in the first place.
We really need to pace ourselves, people.
Shazam! As if these nerds didn’t already have a hard enough time getting dates.
OGDEN — Running is hard.
Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s …
It’s been an expensive week for journalists at the Standard-Examiner.
I always told myself that if my ship ever came in, I’d be out of the newspaper business faster than you can say “Bon voyage, suckers!”
They’re calling it “one of the fastest growing trends in both travel and recreation.” Me? I call it just plain awkward.
Forget #fakenews. The real story these days is #fakecomics.
You know that dramatic moment in almost every made-for-television movie on Lifetime, where the guy wakes up in the hospital and suddenly realizes he can’t feel his legs?
I used to think a man with a gun wasn't afraid of anything.
I think I’ve figured out why Alexa is laughing at us.
The white sheet has a long, horrific history in America.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Is anybody else weirded out by the fact that I’m the one having to be the voice of reason lately?
I’m calling it “Diary of a Blimpy Kid.”
Uh-oh. The Utah Legislature may have a serious problem on its hands.
FARMINGTON — And the award for Most Embarrassing Misuse of Public Office goes to …
Talk about your “grave mistakes” …
For someone who’s supposed to be this “very stable genius,” the guy sure can be unpredictably dumb.
“Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.”
Journalists love lists. Especially in late December.
They say depression spikes at the holidays.
Sure, our air is bad these days. But on the bright side, at least we now know how many certifiable jackasses we have in Weber County.
Know what I really love? I simply adore commenting on things about which I know absolutely nothing.
It might be the longest four-letter word in the English language.