You should know I don’t give a rat’s rear end about my physical address.

OGDEN — It took more than 40 years, but I finally attended my very first homecoming dance.

Talk about your shams …

I don’t like to say “I told you so,” but, well, I did indeed tell you so.

“For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

Water fight!

Global warming, global schmarming.

Thanks to an unhinged gunman with a grudge against an East Coast newspaper, it’s about to start heating up here in the Standard-Examiner’s newsroom.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in nearly three decades of writing opinion pieces for the Standard-Examiner, it’s that no situation is so utterly, hopelessly and totally messed up that a certain half-witted columnist can’t make it much worse by chiming in on the subject.

I’ve never put much stock in awards.

Con·sult·ant (kən sult’nt) n. A person you pay for doing the job you were supposed to be doing in the first place.

We really need to pace ourselves, people.

Shazam! As if these nerds didn’t already have a hard enough time getting dates.

OGDEN — Running is hard.

It’s been an expensive week for journalists at the Standard-Examiner.

I always told myself that if my ship ever came in, I’d be out of the newspaper business faster than you can say “Bon voyage, suckers!”

They’re calling it “one of the fastest growing trends in both travel and recreation.” Me? I call it just plain awkward.

Forget #fakenews. The real story these days is #fakecomics.

You know that dramatic moment in almost every made-for-television movie on Lifetime, where the guy wakes up in the hospital and suddenly realizes he can’t feel his legs?

I used to think a man with a gun wasn't afraid of anything.

I think I’ve figured out why Alexa is laughing at us.

The white sheet has a long, horrific history in America.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Is anybody else weirded out by the fact that I’m the one having to be the voice of reason lately?

I’m calling it “Diary of a Blimpy Kid.”

Uh-oh. The Utah Legislature may have a serious problem on its hands.

FARMINGTON — And the award for Most Embarrassing Misuse of Public Office goes to …

Talk about your “grave mistakes” …

For someone who’s supposed to be this “very stable genius,” the guy sure can be unpredictably dumb.

“Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.”

Journalists love lists. Especially in late December.

They say depression spikes at the holidays.

Sure, our air is bad these days. But on the bright side, at least we now know how many certifiable jackasses we have in Weber County.

Know what I really love? I simply adore commenting on things about which I know absolutely nothing.

It might be the longest four-letter word in the English language.

OGDEN — Roosters? Apparently, folks around here are saying “Yes, please.”

Well. President Donald Trump just paid a visit to the Beehive State.

Yeesh! This mess is certainly anything but the proverbial piece of cake.

Oh, great. The perverts of this world have now spoiled one of my favorite holiday traditions.

I’ve always thought of myself as a dog person, but it may be time to reconsider.

 What’s with all these TV commercials this time of year showing a brand new vehicle sitting in the driveway on Christmas morning, a big red bow around it?

When the future students of the new Farmington High School selected the Phoenix for their mascot, I wasn’t impressed. In my opinion, there were several better choices on the short list.

Yes, the Christmas lights are already up on our house. And yes, we’re turning them on each night.

A mere eight seconds into his scientific lecture titled “Optical Clocks: Towards 10-18 to 10-19,” Weber State University physics department chairman Colin Inglefield was already in trouble.