Remember, recognizing these patterns isn’t about blaming your parents or dwelling on the past. It’s about understanding yourself with compassion and giving yourself permission to grow.

Here is the first of three columns focusing on answering some of the questions surrounding this topic:

Childhood Matters in Adulthood

Q: Why do I still react to stress the same way I did as a child?

A: Your brain learned certain patterns early on that helped you survive difficult situations. These patterns don’t just disappear–they stay with you into adulthood. What protected you then, might feel limiting now.

Q: How can I tell when I’m falling into old patterns?

A: Your body often knows first. You might notice your shoulders tensing, your breathing getting shallow, or feeling that familiar knot in your stomach. Emotionally, you might feel suddenly like a kid, mostly powerless. Pay attention to moments when your reaction feels bigger than the situation, or when you’re responding to what you think might happen rather than what’s actually happening.

Q: I always feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions. Where does this come from?

A: Many people learned as children to be the ’emotional barometer’ or ‘peace maker ‘of their family–always watching for signs of distress and trying to fix things. If your parents were struggling, you might have felt it was your job to help them feel better. This creates a pattern of putting others’ needs before your own.

Q: How do I stop trying to fix everyone’s problems?

A: Start small. Notice when you’re about to jump in to solve someone’s else’s emotions. Pause. Ask yourself: ‘Is this actually my responsibility?’ or ‘What would happen if I just listened instead of fixing?’ It might feel selfish at first, but allowing others to handle their own emotions is actually more respectful and helps them grow stronger too.

Q: Why is it so hard for me to express my own needs?

A: Some children learn early on that their feelings are ‘too much’ for their parents to handle. Maybe your parents were overwhelmed or couldn’t respond consistently to your needs or emotions. So you learned to make yourself ‘smaller’, to need less. This was smart survival thinking then, but it can make adult relationships difficult.

Q: What if people reject me when I express my needs?

A: People who truly care about you want to know what you need. If someone consistently reacts poorly to your reasonable needs, that tells you something important about them, not about you. Start with small requests with safe people to build your confidence.

Q: Can these patterns actually change?

A: Yes. Your brain can form new pathways at any age. Understanding where these patterns came from is the first step. When you recognize you’re operating from an old survival map and strategy, you can start choosing different responses. It takes time and patience with yourself, but change is absolutely possible.

Q: How long does it take to change these deep patterns?

A: There’s no set timeline–it depends on many factors like how ingrained the patterns are and how much support you have. Some people notice small shifts within weeks, while deeper changes often take months or years. The key is celebrating small progress rather than expecting dramatic overnight transformation. Every time you choose a new response, you’re building new neural pathways. Take note of that.

Q: What if my family doesn’t like it when I change?

A: Family systems often resist change, even positive change. I can disrupt familiar family dynamics. If you stop being the family peacekeeper or problem-solver, others might push back. This is normal and doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Sometimes your growth challenges others to look at their own patterns, which can be uncomfortable for them.

Note: This document is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you’re struggling with persistent emotional difficulties, please consider seeking support from a qualified mental health professional.

The questions and answers above are presented as opinions of Jason Sadora and Steven Szykula, Licensed Mental Health Professionals at Comprehensive Psychological Services. These opinions are not a substitute for counseling with a professional or for medication therapies that may be needed.