Remember, recognizing these patterns isn’t about blaming your parents or dwelling on the past. It’s about understanding yourself with compassion and giving yourself permission to grow.

Here is the second of three columns focusing on answering some of the questions surrounding this topic:

Relationships and Connection

Q: Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns?

A: Your earliest relationships taught you what to expect from others and what you’re worth. These become like invisible templates that guide how you connect or not connect with people. If your early relationships were inconsistent or hurtful, you might unconsciously recreate familiar and similar dynamics, even when they don’t serve you.

Q: How can I recognize if I’m recreating unhealthy patterns?

A: Look for themes that repeat across different relationships. Do you always end up feeling like you’re not good enough? Do your partners tend to be emotionally unavailable? Do you find yourself in relationships where you give much more than you receive? These patterns often feel ‘normal’ because they’re familiar, but normal doesn’t mean healthy.

Q: Why do I need so much reassurance in relationships?

A: If your early relationships felt unpredictable or if love felt conditional, your nervous system learned that you need to stay alert for signs of rejection. Seeking constant reassurance is your way of trying to feel safe. It’s not weakness–it’s how you learned to protect yourself. Often, however, it may put people off and actually create the problem.

Q: How can I ask for reassurance without pushing people away?

A: Be direct about what you need rather than “testing” or “fishing” for reassurance. Instead of ‘Do you still love me?’ try ‘I’m feeling insecure right now and could use some connection.’ Most people respond well to honest communication. Also, work on reassuring yourself–notice when your fears are based out of the past and not the present situation.

Q: Why do I push people away when they get too close?

A: If emotional needs felt burdened, betrayed or dangerous early on, you learned that your being more distant and independent was safer than depending on someone which makes you vulnerable. Getting close to someone can feel threatening, even when part of you wants connection. Pushing people away protects you from potential hurt, but it also keeps you from the closeness you desire.

Q: How do I let people get close without panicking?

A: Take it slowly and communicate what’s happening. You might say, ‘I want to be close to you, but intimacy feels scary for me sometimes.’ Many people will respect this honesty. Practice staying present when the urge to push away arises. Remind yourself that feeling scared doesn’t mean you’re actually in danger.

Q: What if I’m terrified of relationships but desperate for them at the same time?

A: This makes complete sense if your early caregivers were both your source of comfort and your source of fear. Part of you learned that you need others to survive, while another part learned that people close to you can hurt you. These conflicting messages create an internal struggle between longing and terror/avoidance.

Q: How do I manage the push-pull feeling in relationships?

A: First, recognize that both parts of you are trying to protect you–the part that wants connection and the part that fears it. When you feel the push-pull, pause and ask which part is driving right now. Sometimes you need space, sometimes you need connection. Learning to communicate these needs rather than acting them out helps your partner understand what’s happening.

Q: How can I have healthier relationships?

A: Start by recognizing your patterns without judging them. They developed for good reasons. Healthy relationships can actually help rewire these old templates–when you experience consistent care and respect, your brain begins to update its expectations. This happens gradually, one positive interaction at a time.

Q: What does a secure, healthy relationship actually look like?

A: In healthy relationships, you can be yourself without fear of rejection. Conflicts happen, but they’re handled with respect and care for both people. You can express needs without being made to feel like a burden. There’s consistency–people follow through on what they say. You feel supported in your growth rather than controlled or diminished.

Q: How do I know if someone is good for me?

A: Pay attention to how you feel in their presence over time. Do you feel more like yourself or less? Do they support your growth or try to keep you small? Are they consistent between their words and actions? Trust your body–healthy relationships generally feel calming and energizing, while unhealthy ones often leave you feeling drained or anxious.

Note: This document is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you’re struggling with persistent emotional difficulties, please consider seeking support from a qualified mental health professional.

The questions and answers above are presented as opinions of Jason Sadora and Steven Szykula, licensed mental health professionals at Comprehensive Psychological Services. These opinions are not a substitute for counseling with a professional or for medication therapies that may be needed.