‘Tis the season for all things macabre. October is upon us. The air is a bit cooler, the leaves are changing colors and the humans, especially the humans from Utah, have already adorned their homes with ghosts, skeletons, monsters and other freakish and frightful décor. I am no exception. In fact, we have taken on the neighborhood. I dare anyone to try to keep up with the proverbial Joneses (or Fischers, in this case) on the order of all things gory. We have spared no expense. Using a credit card for Christmas is ridiculous — Halloween on the other hand, especially when there is a neighborhood challenge in place, now that’s another story.

It started on the last day of September and seems to have carried through to at least the day of this writing. I came home from work and there were several new Amazon boxes on the front porch with entombed entities awaiting release. Lest you think we are gaudy and haphazard with our choices, rest assured that we are consistently theme-based and have specific and definitive standards. As such, I would consider myself (spouse included) as a resident expert on Halloween holiday (it is a holiday in the world according to Jen) décor. Keep in mind, however, that these delightful tidbits of other-world advice would not apply to a home that is actively listed for sale. I will address this specificity at the end.

To begin, we must address the elephant in the room, or in this case, the giant inflatable on the lawn. This is unpardonable. Inflatables are garish, inauthentic, plucky and comical. Balloons belong in a circus, not on your lawn in the form of friendly ghosts (an oxymoron at best), nor pink-maned unicorn skeletons, both of which have all the air sucked out of them during daylight anyway. They look like limp trash bags scattered across the lawn in the daytime and jovial, affectionate cartoon characters at night.

Instead, I would recommend the chained ghost with pop-out eyes and blood-curdling screams evoked with the tiniest of motions. The myriad of skeletons should include missing body parts or mummified bodies with no trace of life until approached. The severed head hanging from a dimly lit post in the attic, and a bountiful graveyard of lifelike bones buried in the worm-infested dirt throughout the yard. Creepy clowns, fog-filled cauldrons, talking witches and child zombies welcome the foulest of beasts to our den of horror. Spirits fly around our house while eyeballs and spiders are simmering for stew. It is important to stick to a theme. To put a hanging corpse on the same lawn as the sunglass-donned, guitar-carrying trio of adorable sheet ghosts is a travesty.

If planning to extend the outdoor into the indoor, stick with the theme. The home is either a den of horror or it’s an amusing display of charming orange-and-yellow candy corn-themed Etsy adornments.

However, if your home is listed for sale in the month of October, it is wise to (sadly) consider minimizing the gore as well as the holiday décor. In this case, inflatables, once again, are taboo. After all, a giant, cheerful spider, once deflated, is just a big, dead spider on the lawn.

Watch the real pumpkins as well. Faux pumpkins are definitely the direction you would want to go if you’re trying to sell your home. Smushed or rotten pumpkins can attract live critters and turn your home into a live horror show. Keep it clean and keep it safe. And as all good things must come to an end, at least for another year, clean it up the day after Halloween. While the “holiday” is so much fun for 31 days, it is over on day 32. The candy, however, is timeless.

Jen Fischer is an associate broker and Realtor. She can be reached at 801-645-2134 or jen@jen-fischer.com.

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