Meg Sanders, Special to the Standard-Examiner

Being married to a person who is in the constant pursuit of hobbies, experiences and knowledge, I often find myself waist-deep in the materials needed to accomplish these dreams. For a while it was paintball, followed by a steep swing to computers, dirt biking, mountain biking, CrossFit and now it’s an intense passion for woodworking. We’ve got saws — table, track, band, circular, all rounded out with a massive dust collector. I certainly reap the rewards with my new entertainment center and refurbished bathroom. For hours he’s found designing, working and plotting his next project. Following the typical pattern of men his age, this passion could be followed by brewing his own beer or smoking meat. Thankfully, he’s only got so many arms, money and hours in a day.

Building this furniture was seen as a simple hobby until, as you find in any good marriage, my spouse enlightened me. As our son struggled to build his latest Lego conquest, well over 1,000 pieces, Brian stepped in to help. He snapped off the pieces placed incorrectly, showing our son where mistakes were made. Our son asked if his dad noticed the hundreds of correct pieces. What our child wanted was recognition he did something right. He wanted to be told “good job.” Those words didn’t come. Those are words not easily handed out by my husband, whether it be because he sees them as trite or if a good job was actually done. Once the Lego was fixed, pieces snapped where they were supposed to go, our kid continued to build and I explained to my husband what words our son wanted to hear.

“Benson’s love language is words of affirmation. He needs to be told he’s doing well,” I explained. From here my husband gave me a completely befuddled look. I tried to clarify by saying my love languages are both affirmation and physical touch.

Brian asked, “Is this something you made up?” I was shocked to learn he had never heard of “The Five Love Languages.” While I couldn’t tell you who created it, when it came out or any science behind it, I’ve been versed in love languages for many years. It’s been a popular discussion with friends, co-workers, even my teenage daughter. It was in this moment my husband asked me, “Are farts a love language?”

My astonishment continued when I visited my parents a couple of days later to express my horror over Brian being unaware of love languages! This is when my dad told me he had no idea what I was talking about either. No lie, his response was literally, “Flatulence is my love language.” This illustrates one of the many reasons my husband and father get along.

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“The Five Love Languages” was written in 1992 by marriage counselor Gary Chapman, explaining the ways people express and experience love. They are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. Chapman believed by recognizing how one feels or shows love, couples could communicate and connect better. I see these love languages as being equally applicable to other relationships, like with our children or siblings.

Stemming from these two discussions I began to ask more friends about their love language only to find stereotypes are alive and well. None of the five other men I asked knew what I was talking about, while all of the women had a ready answer on their particular love language. Why is it that women are aware of the concept, or could even read the context clues to arrive at an answer, whereas our male counterparts never even considered the possibility that one could express love in different ways?

The back-and-forth with Brian didn’t end with his quip about farts; instead, it headed down a path of relationship analysis and that moment of enlightenment. He was receptive to the idea that our son would feel love through affirmation, that one doesn’t experience it simply through saying “I love you.” From there, we discussed how each of our children feel love, with one wanting time, another affirmation, the last needing snuggles. We even talked about his mother, who is always happy to give a gift and a kind word. We ended on how he shows love. I was quick to point out he isn’t big on compliments or gift-giving. It was in this moment he made me rethink how I view his actions in everyday life. Brian told me he shows love through acts of service.

Almost like a Disney montage, I flashed back to him climbing underneath my car to fix the brakes, scraping the snow of my windshield, fixing his mom’s trailer, working on my grandpa’s computer and the millions of other times he’s given his time and patience to make my and others’ lives a little easier. Yes, even making me pieces of furniture. Brian shows his love through acts of service, something until that moment I sadly had not recognized.

Some may view the concepts as hokey and the discussion as cheesy, but the idea that even after 20 years you’re still learning about how your partner communicates and operates is what keeps things moving forward. Brian couldn’t have played his cards any better when he asked me if I’d made up these love languages, only to use the acts of service card. Now when he’s in his workshop sawing on a piece of maple, music blasting, beer sweating on the workbench, I don’t complain about his spending all his time on his hobby. I know he’s showing me love with an act of service.

Meg Sanders worked in broadcast journalism for over a decade but has since turned her life around to stay closer to home in Ogden. Her three children keep her indentured as a taxi driver, stylist and sanitation worker. In her free time, she likes to read, write, lift weights and go to concerts with her husband of 18 years.

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