Intrigued and curious (much like a mosquito to an electric zapper), I read through the proposal. The subject line read, “Letter of Intent to Purchase.” More often than not, these letters come attached to bottom-of-the-barrel investor offers from people hunting for the next cheap fixer-upper they can slap lipstick on and flip. But this listing had already been fully remodeled — new kitchen, new flooring, fresh paint, updated bathrooms, new roof, new windows — the whole HGTV starter pack. Thus, I knew this wasn’t going to be that straightforward.

The sender opened the letter with this: “I’d like to send a creative proposal to the seller of (insert address). No formal inspection, no appraisal needed, and no buyer agent fees involved. I will also come in and pay the title fees at closing; the seller would just be responsible for your commissions. We can also close as quick as 14 days if needed, and the house would sell as is with no repairs needed. Quick, simple, and smooth.”

I bet. I knew then that this free cruise was headed for a very large iceberg.

Selling a house is stressful enough. Tensions and emotions run high, often leaving a seller vulnerable to a counterfeit “captain” who swoops in wearing a captain’s hat from Amazon and pretending he can navigate a hurricane. The letter of intent breaks down the explanation step by step.

The first bullet point is the biggest red flag for me: “The mortgage stays in your name … but don’t worry!”

Seriously? In other words, they promise to make the payments, but if they don’t, it’s your problem. That is because if they end up not making payments, it will hit your credit, not theirs. Legally, it is still a debt in your name, and the lender does not — nor will they ever — recognize this ghost buyer. “Go ahead and steer this oversize ship, Captain with the pretend Amazon hat. I’ll just turn over the wheel.”

Next bullet point: “I’ve done this a hundred times!”

What, dear sir, have you done a hundred times? Sent me this letter? Because that is pretty close to correct if that’s what he is talking about, since I have received a plethora of this exact same letter for this same property on multiple occasions.

Anyone claiming they have done over a hundred deals like this deserves the same side-eye a husky dog gives you when you ask them if they ate the last cookie while she’s licking her lips. This may be legal, and they may even be experienced; however, they also may have a very loose definition of the word “successful.”

Third bullet point: “Don’t worry about the due-on-sale clause. It is something that is rarely enforced.”

You know what else is “rarely enforced?” My diet. Yet it is still a problem. I continue to eat candy despite minimal effort to abstain. The due-on-sale clause means the bank can call your entire loan due immediately if they discover you transferred ownership without paying it off. Guess whose name will be on the foreclosure? Not Mr. Letter-of-Intent.

Fourth bullet point: “We use legal documents to protect you!”

Again, a loose definition of “legal.” Yes, they’ll hand you paperwork. Usually lots of it. It looks impressive, like a middle-schooler padding their science fair display with extra charts.

However, the truth is, none of those documents remove your legal liability with the lender. None of them. They will assure you that it is really okay because you can just “take back” the home — likely in worse condition, with missed payments, legal fees, and a potential foreclosure notice attached. What a great consolation prize.

Bullet point number five (but wait, there’s more): “Your credit will actually improve!”

Really? Holding onto a mortgage you don’t control can improve credit? Perhaps the same way a giant iceberg won’t sink a cruise ship. If the payments are made on time and you don’t need to qualify to purchase anything because you already have a mortgage loan on your credit, then sure, it will. However, you won’t need it to, because you no longer qualify for a loan due to your debt-to-income ratio.

This brings us to bullet point number six: “We’ll refinance in six to seven years!” Fine print: “if the stars align.” This is the fantasy version of financial planning.

Finally, the best has been saved for last: “What’s in it for you?”

I can answer that question before even reading further — risk, unease, discomfort, worry, dizziness, headaches, debt, and sleeplessness. If this sounds like the side effects of a new medication, you would be correct.

They claim no repairs, fast closing, no closing costs, and freedom. However, what you actually get is zero equity, an ongoing mortgage and liability, and possibly the need for a new medication to help you manage the continued symptoms. They also offer you a trash service. You can leave anything behind. Well, anything except your mortgage. You have to take that with you.

The final word on this “creative” way to sell? It’s risky, lopsided, and will likely end in a breathless swim in a freezing ocean of regret.

Jen Fischer is an associate broker and Realtor. She can be reached at 801-645-2134 or jen@jen-fischer.com.