I love to travel, but even I have to admit there are downsides, the worst of which is cost. Naturally, the farther away one goes, the more it costs, and one needs to consider whether it’s worth spending your retirement and your children’s college fund to get there (yes). To help you plan for future adventures, I’ve broken down cost and a few other common inconveniences. The formulas below apply to major trips out of the country. The initial cost analysis can also be applied to any trip to a Disney Park. The hazards of shorter trips involving relatives will need to be dealt with in a future column, or maybe a thick book.

How much will my trip cost?

You can easily calculate the cost of any trip by using the famous equation, T=MC² (travel equals money times credit squared) Add 10% if you expect the airline to send your luggage to Kathmandu. If you are actually traveling to Kathmandu, add the 10% anyway to buy meat to distract the local Sasquatch so you can run away before it tears you apart.

Should I bring my children?

Of course! Children are meant to be enjoyed and heard. Especially heard. Be aware that all U.S. based airlines require parents to provide individual amplifiers for all children under the age of 5. Check requirements of foreign airlines before departure.

Will my expensive neck pillow actually make me more comfortable on my flight?

Here is how to wear one. Place the pillow around the back of your neck. Then prop your head upon the pillow. Your head and neck will form two lengths of a triangle. To be comfortable, your body will naturally conform to the elegant Pythagorean theorem (a²+b²=c²) but with a neck pillow, the distance of the pillow cheek to the nearest shoulder will be foreshortened and the distance between your shoulders will extend well beyond what the equation allows, leaving you with a sort of a+b²=c³, which simply doesn’t work. Lucky Pythagoras never actually saw a neck pillow. One wonders if he could have designed one to accommodate the human body. I doubt it. He was only a genius, not a magician.

Should I bring water?

Yes, it won’t keep you hydrated. That is impossible on vacation. But it’s a wonderful way to build upper body strength, as the weight of the water bottle increases in direct proportion to the amount drunk.

Speaking of water, will my bladder shrink during my trip?

Yes. Anticipating the rigors of travel, your body will shrink your bladder to the size of a lima bean for the duration of the trip. Plan frequent stops.

Will I be able to find a bathroom?

No.

Will a bathroom cost money?

Yes.

What are the odds that I’ll have the correct change to pay the bathroom lady?

0.2%

What are the odds that my child will accidentally lock herself in a public bathroom on a Sunday in a remote location and be unable to free herself with no one around for miles and no cell service?

In our case, 100%.

How many flights of stairs are there to get to the viewing platform of the medieval tower? 

Two hundred flights per tower. Climbing gear is recommended.

What are the chances that my Uber driver will have recently escaped from the local lunatic asylum for the blind?

This varies by country and can range from 5% to 95%. The odds are never zero.

Odds that the other person’s dinner will look better than your own.

87% (Note: This is also true when not traveling. Some laws are universal.)

Odds that your will stick to your plan of “moderate spending” while on vacation. 

Ha! They are exactly the same as the odds of everything fitting easily into your suitcase at the end of the vacation. So, not good.

Do you have a million-dollar idea to help defray expenses for future trips?

Yes. Move to Europe and figure out a way to sell ice water to American tourists. You’ll make a killing.

Are the foods I will consume on vacation high in calories?

No! This is one of the many wonders of travel. Your body, sensing it is in an unfamiliar place, will refuse to absorb any calories at all. However, it does want to have its own kind of fun by exploring all the new parasites in the area, but that’s a problem you can deal with later.

Bon voyage!

Anneli Byrd is an academic adviser in Weber State University’s Student Success Center.