This made me think. I can sing well enough, but what I can’t do is anything sports. I’m completely hopeless at any game that involves running, jumping, catching or throwing anything. I’ve spent my whole life being pressured by kindly people to join in because it’s “just for fun” or “we’re not keeping score.” Liars, all of them. Of course, they’re annoyed when I miss an easy catch. Who wouldn’t be? After one embarrassing display of complete ineptness, one person said to me, “Wow. I didn’t believe you when you said you were that bad at sports. You really are!” Most of me just wants to leave sports alone. But they keep intruding into my life, kind of like the common cold. Also, sports are hugely popular. I think that maybe I am missing out.

Why can’t we have the equivalent of “The Tuneless Choir” for sports? For some reason, volleyball is what’s in my mind, so let’s go with that. Here we go!

First, the name. I thought of the basic UAA (Uncoordinated Athletes of America). Then, I turned to the treasure trove of ChatGPT and got names for many teams. Some of my favorites are: LAME (Limited Ability, Massive Enthusiasm), FAIL (Frequently Awkward in League), TERRIBLE (Trying Every Recreational Route Including Bench Lounging and Eating), DRAFT (Definitely Regretted After First Try) and my favorite, OUT (Often Utterly Tired).

Anyway, imagine your local chapter assembles in the gym. Men and women, awkward teens, octogenarians and kids have all gathered to play volleyball, because someone donated a ball and a net. It’s taken awhile to get going. At the first meeting, a team captain was elected. Her only job is to arrange for treats to be brought each week. The next week they learned how to set up the net. Exhausted from that feat of athleticism, everyone ate homemade cookies and agreed to start playing the next time.

Now the time has come. The players gather. The only rule is that everyone must commit to honestly try to get the ball over the net. There is only the vaguest idea of what the real rules are, although eventually somebody who likes rules will look them up. Teams are decided by numbering off. Under no circumstances will anyone ever choose teams. A timer is set for 30 minutes and the “game” begins. The server fails to get the ball over the net. Someone from their own team picks up the ball and tosses it over. The other team attempts to volley it back. Sometimes, to everyone’s astonishment, the ball goes over. Both sides cheer. More often, the ball is dropped and everyone cheers then too. Anyone at any time can blow the whistle because it’s fun to blow the whistle. After 30 minutes, both teams are declared winners and everyone has punch and cookies. Sometimes they stay and play another game, sometimes not. The captain asks for volunteers to bring next week’s treats and everyone leaves feeling great, except Bob. He got smacked rather hard on the side of the head with the ball. But since he got extra treats and now has a real sports injury to brag about at work tomorrow, he isn’t complaining.

If this idea takes off, (and why wouldn’t it?) I can envision multiple teams. If this happens, then there will need to be a tournament. Teams will be paired up at random and the schedule is sent out to everyone. The game is played in exactly the same way. Thirty minutes are on the clock. Everyone cheers for both teams. When the time is up, the winner is chosen by random draw out of a hat. The final game is a big deal. A cheap trophy from Oriental Trading company, as well as medals, are at stake. The game is played, the winner is drawn and the crowd goes wild.

I honestly think this is a great idea. It can be adapted to any sport. I hope that somebody out there picks up the ball, so to speak, and runs with it. I don’t have time at the moment to start the movement myself, but I want to play!

Anneli Byrd is an academic adviser in Weber State University’s General Studies and Exploratory advising.