I’ve watched quite a few prisoners get ready to leave prison in anticipation of their release; some are ready, and some are not. This last month there were two prisoners who I watched go through this process. Both went before the board and were granted what we call an “immediate release” (a release date anywhere between 2-4 weeks out), but their situations couldn’t have been more different. Both were very excited, but while one was purely elated, the other was full of anxiety. The perceptible difference between the two prisoners was clear, but what were the reasons behind it? Clearly one was ready to go and one was not.

First and most obvious, the “ready” prisoner was paroling to his dad’s house and the other prisoner was headed to a halfway house. When a paroling prisoner is unable to produce an address and get it approved by his probation officer, he is sent to a halfway house where he will have to “stabilize” (find employment and save a certain amount of money) before really being released.

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I used to think the difference between finding an address or heading to the halfway house was just having a little patience, where one is the quicker route to freedom, and the other is just an added step to that eventuality. With that perspective I had originally planned to do everything on my own, not wanting to be a burden; but after hearing so many horror stories about halfway houses and the bad environment found there, I think the smart route would be to avoid placing my freedom in someone else’s hands unnecessarily.

Other tangible differences between the two were that the “ready” prisoner had a job waiting and numerous people lining up to spend some time with him. The other had only an idea of what he wanted to do with only his parents even knowing he was being released. So sure, these two prisoners’ situations were on the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as support goes, but there is more to it than that.

I’ve seen prisoners leave who seemingly had everything going for them except for the biggest factor, which is the confidence that comes as a result of someone having truly learned their lesson. The prisoner I described as “ready” was that way because he had really changed. I would be genuinely shocked if he ever came back to prison.

The other prisoner, who I wouldn’t be surprised to see back here, shared a couple revealing things with me like, “I might smoke a little weed here or there” or “I don’t want to say I know I’m never coming back, because I’ll look pretty stupid if I do.” I don’t think he really understood why he was so sick with anxiety, but I think subconsciously he knew the possibility to repeat his failure was much higher than he would’ve cared to admit.

Paroled prisoners come back to prison all the time, sadly more than the ones who don’t come back. Recently a parolee who had just left here made headlines with his crimes and arrest. I didn’t know the prisoner personally, but I can tell you those who did were not surprised to see him on his way back.

When I think about my release, I do it with a bit of trepidation, and this stems from housing and employment concerns – stuff I hope to address before I leave. Prisoners are a cynical lot, so I consider it high praise when I hear others tell me they believe I’ll never come back. You could say I’m ready to go, well except for the remaining time of my debt owed to society. The day that balance is paid will come soon enough. Like my mother so eloquently put it, “That day is hurtling towards us.” I think she might be feeling just a bit more apprehensive than I.

Brian Wood, formerly of Layton, is an inmate at the Utah Correctional Facility in Gunnison. He pleaded guilty to nine felony charges for offenses from 2011 to 2014, including counts of burglary, drug possession and prescription fraud. He could spend up to 35 years in prison, depending on parole hearings.