I love people. I love to meet new people. I love to connect people with each other. I love to see people laugh and enjoy life. I love reconnecting with friends and family I haven’t seen in ages. It is a personal pleasure and joy of mine to see people living their best lives and to catch myself in those moments of living my own best life. Thus, it is always a bit stunning to stumble upon a generic conversation.

You know the one I’m talking about. The one where you say “Hello, how are you?” The other person says “Fine.” Perhaps they add “Thank you” and inquire how you are. Maybe you respond with “I’m fine too” as you both walk away — or something like that. Do you find yourself in that conversation a lot lately?

Since I noticed I was having that conversation, and I didn’t like it, I’ve tried slowing down to ask questions behind the question. “How are you really doing?” “As we start year three of a pandemic, which is becoming endemic, and we thought would be over by now, how are you feeling about the world and your place in it?” “How are you feeling at work, moving between virtual and in-person meetings, maybe being a front-line worker at a local hospital, health clinic, school or grocery store?” “How are the people you live with?” If someone lives alone, “Are you feeling keenly the distance between contact and connection?” “How is your heart?” “Are you aching for a return to the way things were?” “Are you optimistic about the way things might become?” “Is your body rebelling against you or not working the way you would prefer?” In other words, “Really, how are you?”

When we go to the doctor, one of the first things asked is “How are you doing?” Then there tends to be a move to evaluation, diagnosis and treatment. Yet, in our day-to-day lives, we accept and give expected platitudes of “Oh, I’m fine” or “Things are going OK.” What if we start operating more like health care providers asking how people really are doing?

I know, I’m asking you to give up some of your free time, which doesn’t feel very free right now. It is hard to ask about how other people are when we may find ourselves in our less-than-happy places. Yet, and this is my point, when we open the door to seeing someone, hearing how they are doing and listening deeply, we might find that other people are doing that same thing for us.

By moving beyond that generic “Fine, thank you” response, we began to see each other in our full humanity. Can you imagine how freeing it might feel to respond that things are a little (or a lot) sideways in your life right now? Maybe, the kids decided to give each other haircuts, and neither of them has been to cosmetology school (they are 3 and 6 after all). Or, the dog has been throwing up all over the house, sending you on an animal-imposed scavenger hunt. It could be that you decided to try cooking a new dinner off Pinterest and managed to burn the chicken that was set to sauté, smoking out the kitchen in the process.

Being vulnerable enough to share the not-so-great things with each other allows us to see each other as well as ourselves. So, if you see me out and about and I ask how are you, I really want to know. The good, the bad and the in-between. It all matters. You matter.

As we embrace ourselves and each other (from a safe distance) I encourage you to join us at Weber State University for Black History Month. We will provide a virtual presentation on Feb. 24 with the Black Clinicians, as they discuss this year’s Black History theme of health and wellness.

Black History Month began as Negro History Week in 1926 by Carter G. Woodson, as an opportunity to promote and educate people about Black culture and history, with the purpose of raising the nation’s consciousness about the involvement and contribution of Blacks in the United States. February was the chosen month because it would also honor President Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass. In 1976, President Ford declared February to be Black History Month.

Adrienne Andrews is the vice president for equity, diversity and inclusion at Weber State University.

Newsletter