Hi, Dave!

I love the pictures you sent! I hope you’re having a wonderful time on your trip. I’m sure your presentation was brilliant. I really miss you here. The house is much too quiet when you’re gone. Well, except at night. All night long I’m being kept up by creaks, moans, shutting doors, footsteps, you name it. All I can figure is that ever since you left, there must be a veritable parade of thieves, drug dealers and ax murderers sneaking in and making themselves at home. You probably think I’m imagining things, but I have proof. Every morning, my car keys and work bag are moved someplace different, and I have to turn the house upside down before I can get to work. These people are clearly playing with me. I’m beginning to think I can’t trust anyone. You know our neighbor Lois? What do we really know about her? I mean, just because we’ve been neighbors for years and she’s always been nice to us and she’s in her 80s, does that mean we can trust her? What if she’s the head of a major crime syndicate? Maybe the name “Gatling Gun Granny” makes mobsters shake in their shoes. It’s hard to think of a better cover. Who would suspect her? But she won’t fool me any longer. I’m keeping an eye on her.

Sorry, I don’t mean to complain. It’s just that I didn’t get any sleep last night. Between patrolling the house and running surveillance on Lois, I didn’t get to sleep till about 4 a.m. And then, the stupid clock radio — I swear it did this on purpose, probably in revenge for all the things I throw at it every morning — woke me up to a fundamentalist Christian fundraiser. These people are INSISTENT — as if being awake at that time was not obnoxious enough. They seem to think my soul is worth a lot of money. Honestly, the only thing I want my soul saved from at that hour is the pain of getting out of bed. Hell is warm, it sounds nice. I was tempted to call in and offer to donate if they would only save my soul from having to wake up at that ungodly and immoral hour. Problem was that 1.) it was too late, I was already awake, and 2.) I was nowhere near functional enough yet to actually be able to phone in let alone find my purse, so I guess our money is safe for now.

Darn it! I seem to be complaining again. Everything really is fine, and the flowers are blooming. Tigger misses you too, so he’s even worse than usual, if you can imagine. He’s useless against all the criminals of course, but at least his snoring is soothing. It makes it easier to imagine that you’re here.

Oh, and good news! I think the HOA finally got that cable deal worked out. Do you know since you left there hasn’t been a single stupid show on the TV? It’s been great! I’ve used the free time to do some long overdue house cleaning. You won’t believe how much space I’ve freed up, especially on your side of the closet.

Well, I’d better get back to work. I can’t wait to see you! And don’t worry about the side of the house. The fireman says that after a while we won’t even notice anymore.

Love,

Noodle

Anneli Byrd is an academic adviser in Weber State University’s Student Success Center.

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