Photo supplied

I recently got a prescription for cough syrup. The medicine is fine. It’s the packaging that’s causing trauma. I can only imagine that in the past there was a board meeting that went something like this:

President: OK, welcome everyone to this week’s meeting of Drug’s Official Packaging Executives (D.O.P.E.). Today we’ve got a bottle of cough syrup. Sylvia, what has your team come up with?

Sylvia: Well, my team has been working night and day. And, although we are several hundreds of thousands of dollars over budget, I think you’ll agree that our design will be well worth the expense. We propose that patients, rather than pouring the medicine into a spoon as though this were the 1800s, instead use a high-tech plastic syringe to shoot the medicine directly past their tonsils.

President: Interesting. Is there a precedent for this?

Sylvia: There certainly is! Have I ever mentioned my little poodle, Poopsie?

Photo supplied, Anneli Byrd

Entire team: YES!!!

Sylvia: Well, Poopsie is very naughty about taking his pills, so the vet has given me some syrup and a syringe. Every night, I simply pry his little jaws open and force the liquid down his throat.

President: Well, that certainly sounds pleasant. Please go on!

Sylvia: The syringe will need to be assembled. I’ve brought some samples so you can all see how easy this will be.

About 10 minutes later, after several false starts, most of the team has the syringe assembled.

President: I see! Patients can use a syringe instead of a spoon. Well done, Sylvia.

Sylvia: Wait! There’s much more! As you see, a standard cough syrup bottle has a rather large hole in the top, but if we provide an exclusively patented plug, with a special opening just large enough for our syringe, the patient can pretend to be a real nurse as they turn the bottle upside down (see Step 6), draw up the medication (see Step 7), then turn the bottle right side up again (see Step 8). Here are prototype plugs and bottles for you all to try. Remember to follow the instructions carefully and insert the plug smooth side up (see Step 2).

There is collective grunting as the employees struggle to insert the plug.

Sylvia: As you see, we had to make the plug slightly too large to ensure a tight seal, but don’t give up!

Bottles go shooting across the table. Some employees are standing trying to force in the plug. One person has the bottle turned upside down, another employee is using their shoe.

After 15 minutes of heavy effort, no one has yet been successful.

The president clears his throat: Well, I don’t think we need to actually insert the plug at this stage. We can all see that there would certainly be a tight seal. I’d like to roll this out ASAP. Sylvia, do you have all the instructions ready to go?

Sylvia: Yes, indeed! And to save money, we found a great many random scraps of blue paper in a closet. Here you go! All printed out in 11 easy steps! Does anyone have any questions?

Mike from an opposing subcommittee: Does this medicine need to be refrigerated after opening? I don’t believe the instructions say?

President: Hmmmm, he’s right. Might we include that information?

Sylvia, glaring at Mike: That’s true. We discussed that very issue in our last sub-subcommittee meeting and decided against expanding the instructions for the following three reasons: 1) There wasn’t any more room on the paper; 2) we felt 12 steps might be too overwhelming for the patient; and 3) it probably doesn’t matter anyway.

President: Well said. Good meeting everyone!

After failing to deal with so simple a thing as a bottle of cough syrup, I now need blood pressure medication and possibly antidepressants, both of which will come with their own purgatory of packaging. I fear D.O.P.E. will be in business for many years to come. My husband and I never did manage to force the plug into the bottle. It is now stuck crookedly to the lid, preventing any kind of closure. We’re keeping it in the fridge to better pick up the scents of garlic and onion. Worse yet, I am so far backward in my thinking that I’ve thrown away the syringe and am using a spoon just like grandma used to do. Don’t tell the company.

Anneli Byrd is an academic adviser in Weber State University’s Student Success Center.

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