It’s time for this columnist’s Christmas wish list
Dear Santa Claus,
How are you? I am fine.
I know it’s been many years since I last wrote to you, but I’m guessing with all the mail you get, you’re probably OK with that. And I realize it’s a bit late to be sending this, as you may already have all your gifts lined up for the coming weekend’s deliveries. But I just wanted to make sure you at least saw my own not-so-grown-up Christmas wish list.
I know this may seem like a lot to be asking for, but I hasten to point out that most of these gifts aren’t for me. Please keep that in mind — especially as you’re evaluating my behavior on your nice/naughty scale.
So anyway, all I really want for Christmas is:
1. World peace.
Hey, if it’s good enough for pageant-contestant answers, it’s good enough for my Christmas list. Ever since I outgrew Hot Wheels, this has been my top wish each December. And yet, year-in and year-out you’ve been unable to deliver on this one, Big Guy. Maybe this year?
2. Clean air.
It’s funny how picky we human beings seem to be about our water — think: “Drinking-water lead levels in Flint, Michigan” — but we seem to have no qualms about polluted air. Utah’s winter inversions regularly render our air among the dirtiest in the nation, and yet nothing seems to be done about it. I sure have become accustomed to breathing.
3. A lump of coal for Heather Bresch.
Bresch is CEO of Mylan N.V., the maker of the EpiPen. The EpiPen is an auto-injector device that delivers an antidote to anaphylaxis, a life-threatening allergic reaction to things like peanuts and shellfish. And in a case of good old-fashioned price-gouging, over the last 10 years the cost of a two-pack of the injectors rose from less than $100 to $608.
And how fitting would it be if Bresh turned out to have an anaphylactic reaction to coal dust?
4. While we’re at it, how about a nice lump of coal for Robert Redford’s Sundance Institute?
Earlier this year, the institute announced it was dumping Ogden as a satellite venue for the popular Sundance Film Festival. We’re talking about one of the few bright spots for Ogden in the dark dead of winter, and they snatched it away from us.
But the unkindest cut of all was how Sundance tried to spin the news as being for our own good. Officials said they wanted to engage with Ogden “in a different way,” offering instead a variety of free community screenings during the summer and fall.
Well, we just passed summer and fall, and so far? Nothing.
5. The Drag Queens.
The Ogden Raptors, the minor league baseball club in town, used to feature a grounds crew that would drag the infield — in drag, no less. The four men wearing ill-fitting dresses and wigs were a popular fixture at games, but the Raptors franchise discontinued the practice this year when a fan tried to label it “insensitive” to the LGBTQ community. Many of us would love to see the return of the Drag Queens.
And maybe one more lump of coal to whomever complained in the first place?
6. Hats, gloves, scarves and socks.
Again, Santa, remember that these gifts aren’t for me. Indeed, this particular wish is for my friends at the Kokomo Club and the Weber County Library. Every year, on the day before Christmas, the two Ogden-based groups hold events benefiting homeless and low-income individuals.
From 12:30 to 4 p.m. this coming Saturday, the Weber County Library will host its annual Holiday Open House at the First Presbyterian Church, 880 28th St. Ordinarily this event takes place at the main library, but that’s closed for renovations, and library officials fear folks might assume the event isn’t happening this year. It is, and all are invited.
Then at 2 p.m., the Kokomo Club at 216 Historic 25th St. will hold a Christmas party for anyone needing a little holiday cheer — especially the homeless and low-income. It includes a meal and both practical and less-practical gifts.
Both groups are accepting donations. The library is especially low on hats, gloves, scarves and socks; these can be dropped off at any branch of the Weber County Library. Items can also be left at the Kokomo Club for its annual help-the-needy event.
Well, St. Nick, I guess that’s about all I want for Christmas. And I’d like to thank you again for the more than five decades’ worth of gifts I’ve received over the years. (That ThighMaster back in ’91 was epic!)
Oh, and one more thing: Please do be careful in your travels Saturday night. As you may have heard, we’re about to get a new president, and apparently he doesn’t take kindly to foreigners crossing our borders — especially ones with Hispanic-sounding names.
Like “Santa.”
Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272 or msaal@standard.net. Follow him on Twitter at @Saalman. Like him on Facebook at facebook.com/SEMarkSaal.