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Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus, played by LeeRoy Ford and his wife Linda, wave to crowds as they ride down Washington Blvd. during the Electric Light Parade on Saturday, Nov. 26, 2016, in downtown Ogden.

MATT HERP/Standard-Examiner

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This week, Standard-Examiner columnist Mark Saal managed to land a pre-Christmas Eve interview with none other than The Big Guy himself — Santa Claus. The following are excerpts from that conversation.

Mark Saal: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us. I know you’re quite busy right now.

Santa Claus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Happy to do it. Especially for a journalist who’s been such a good boy.

MS: Really? Thank you.

SC: No, not really. You’ve actually been kind of a jerk in many of your columns this year. You should work on that.

MS: Yes. Well, let’s jump right in with the question on everyone’s mind. How do you manage to visit all the homes around the world in just one night?

SC: Well, to begin with, it’s not nearly as hard as it looks. You’ve got to remember that a large percentage of the planet doesn’t even celebrate Christmas, so there’s that. Take China, for example. That’s 20 percent of the world’s population, right there. Throw in Buddhists, Muslims, Jews — even Jehovah’s Witnesses, for crying out loud — there are plenty of religions that don’t celebrate the holiday. And don’t even get me started on the atheists.

Why, even in a place like Russia, the few Christians who live there are Russian Orthodox and celebrate the holiday on Jan. 7. So they’re not on my Dec. 24 delivery route anyway. And then, of course, I don’t bother with those who simply don’t believe in me; here in the United States that’s roughly half the population, according to recent polls.

So when you add all that up, it turns out Christmas Eve is little more than a leisurely stroll around the world — with a few stops thrown in.

MS: Speaking of non-believers, something has been bothering me since I was a little boy. I’ve always wondered, why did the handwriting on your presents’ gift tags bear such a striking resemblance to my mother’s?

SC: The thing you need to remember is that not every present with my name on the gift tag is actually from me. Well, it is, but it isn’t.

MS: OK, now you’ve lost me.

SC: Not surprising in the least. But you see, the real beauty in this whole Christmas thing is that people have long been giving gifts to one another in my name. And that’s the real magic of the season. Think about it: Which seems more wondrous to you? That I climb into a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer and travel all around the world in one night, sliding down chimneys to deliver presents to good boys and girls? Or that your jerk of a neighbor is actually quite pleasant and friendly at Christmas, and maybe even brings you a plate of Rice Krispies treats?

MS: Touché, Pere Noel.

SC: Merci. Besides, mon ami, this isn’t about the presents.

MS: How can you say that? You deliver presents for a living.

SC: No, young man, UPS delivers presents for a living. Federal Express delivers presents for a living. The United Freakin’ States Postal Service delivers presents for a living. Me? I deliver holiday cheer — a feeling. I help to keep alive that selfless spirit of giving to others. That’s the real Christmas miracle, and it’s what Santa Claus is all about.

MS: That’s quite a profound thought, Mr. C. You seem like a very well-rounded individual.

SC: Well-rounded? Is that a fat joke, pal? Sounds like somebody’s bucking for a lump of coal in his stocking.

MS: No, no. I didn’t mean…

SC: Relax, I’m just messing with you. And yes, I suppose I am a well-rounded individual. When you find a genuine, selfless purpose in your life — like I have — you tend to be pretty happy.

MS: Health professionals tell us there’s an obesity epidemic in this country. Given that you’re depicted as so, well…jolly, do you worry you’re setting a bad example for the children?

SC: Look who’s talking, Porky. Besides, I’m not that big. In fact, in “The Night Before Christmas,” Clement Clarke Moore described me as a little old driver so lively and quick. Does that sound to you like Jabba the Hutt in a red suit?

MS: True, but Moore also described you as plump, with a round face and a little round belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. That doesn’t exactly sound like Michael Phelps in a red fur Speedo.

SC: Meh, people focus way too much on body image in this society. Believe me, I’ve been delivering Barbie Dolls long enough to know that we’ve developed a fairly unhealthy view of what’s healthy.

MS: While we’re on the subject of health, in his poem Moore also refers to the stump of a little old pipe you held tight in your teeth. Santa Claus smokes?

SC: I used to, but I quit when I met the future Mrs. Claus. I went to vaping for a while, but now I just chew tobacco.

MS: Santa Claus chews tobacco?

SC: Got you again! You know, for a journalist you’re awfully gullible.

MS: OK, so what about kids leaving carrots for the reindeer?

SC: Absolutely! Carrots are their favorite. My reindeer also love apples. Oh, and hamsters.

MS: You’re joking about the hamster part, aren’t you?

SC: Ho, ho, ho!

MS: Well, thank you, Mr. Claus. I know you’ve got to get ready for your trip. But is there anything else you’d like to add?

SC: Just one thing — Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

MS: But seriously, the hamster thing was just a joke, right?

Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, or msaal@standard.net. Follow him on Twitter at @Saalman. Like him on Facebook at facebook.com/SEMarkSaal.