So, did you do like I told you? Did you watch the presidential inauguration?

Because if you didn’t, you missed out on some mighty fun stuff indeed. Stuff like:

• President Trump’s pre-inauguration sermon was delivered by the Rev. Robert Jeffress, whose long list of those mercifully not joining him in heaven includes gays, Catholics, Muslims and Mormons. Jeffress’ sermon was appropriately titled “When God Chooses a Leader … the Electoral College Completely Ignores His Choice.”

• Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch was named “designated survivor” for Friday’s presidential inauguration. Insert your own joke here.

• Anti-Trump demonstrations peppered the news, with highly ironic video footage of protesters countering the new president’s divisive message of intolerance and hate by breaking windows, setting fire to things and throwing bricks at fellow human beings.

• Speaking of protesters, it quickly became apparent that the phrase “Not my president” sounds every bit as stupid directed at Donald Trump as it did at Barack Obama.

But most of all, if you skipped Friday’s festivities, you missed out on President Trump’s inaugural address, a soaring oratory that turned out to be a cross between the John Belushi speech in “Animal House” and a eulogy for hope and optimism.

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At one point in his downer of a discourse, Trump even went so far as to reference “This American Carnage.” (Coincidentally, the title for a new weekly NPR broadcast hosted by public radio personality Ira Glass.)

However, I must confess the speech was patriotic — with the new president referring to “America” or “American” 35 times in just 16 minutes. That’s a staggering rate of once every 27 seconds.

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And he’s backing up his bold talk with decisive action. One of Trump’s first official acts in office was the signing of a presidential proclamation calling for a national day of patriotism — to be celebrated by ceremoniously beating flag-burners with baseball bats that have phrases from the U.S. Constitution wood-burned into their barrels.

Of course, as inspiring as the final version of the inaugural address was, an earlier draft of the speech I recently “obtained” was even more uplifting:

“My fellow AmeriCaucasians,

“Four score and seven weeks ago, nobody but me believed a successful reality television star could be elected president of these for-the-time-being United States.

“But I had a dream. A dream that if Arnold Schwarzenegger could become governor of a state he couldn’t even pronounce, I could become president of a country I didn’t really want to govern. I mean, look at what that overrated Austrian actor has done to my “Celebrity Apprentice.” I was so much better on that show. Soooo much better.

“Ah, but enough about me. Because this inauguration isn’t just about me. It’s about me and — to a lesser degree — America, and what I’m going to do to make her great again. And by great, I mean big. Really, really big. Huge, even.

“But not huge in a bad way. See, the last thing Lady Liberty is going to do on my watch is let herself go. She’s not going to get all fat and ugly, like the unholy love child of Rosie O’Donnell and that former Miss Universe, gorging herself on the Little Debbie snack cakes of entitlements.

“Rather, I will place Lady Liberty squarely on the stationary exercise bike of freedom, where she’ll be whipped into a lean, mean, capitalistic fighting machine. A machine so smoking hot that I would seriously consider sleeping with her, even if she were my own daughter.

“In other words, we are going to make America great again. So very, very great. We will build roads and highways, airports and railways. And walls. Mostly, we will build walls.

“Come to think of it, we’ll build everything except bridges.

“I say to you all: Ask not what your country can do for you. Rather, ask whether or not you should even be in this country.

“And now, as this inaugural speech is quite a bit longer than the 140 characters I’m used to, let me just tell you that I’m going to be the best president — the very best — this nation has ever seen. Because nobody can president like I can. Not Thomas Jefferson, not Abraham Lincoln, not even Vladimir Putin.

“OK, maybe Vladimir Putin.

“But seriously, these claims about DJT and the Russians is just liberal fear-mongering, and we all know what they say: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

“That, and spiders. Big, hairy spiders. Oh yes, and immigrants from everywhere but Canada. Plus gays, liberals, intellectuals, scientists, Mexicans, Muslims, fake news organizations, and anyone who has ever bothered to fact-check something I’ve said.

“May God bless us all — well, everybody except the people I just mentioned — and may God bless the United States of America. Now let’s go build that wall.

“Say, we could probably use the bricks from all the bridges we’re about to burn …”

Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, or msaal@standard.net. Follow him on Twitter at @Saalman. Like him on Facebook at facebook.com/SEMarkSaal.