Columnist’s annual anti-fun fireworks message becoming an American tradition
People watch scattered Fourth of July fireworks displays Tuesday, July 4, from the vantage point of the Liberty Memorial in Kansas City, Mo.
From my cold, dead hands with horribly disfigured and missing fingers …
If there’s one thing Utahns love — almost as much as their specialty soft-drink shops — it’s things that go flash-bang in the night.
If this is July, it must be time for Professor Funhater’s Annual Buzzkill Column on the Dangerous, Inconsiderate and Environmentally Irresponsible Use of Fireworks. Every year in this very space, I try to dissuade my fellow Americans from setting off fireworks during the state’s famed “21 Days of Perilous Patriotism” between July 4th and 24th. And every year, my fellow ‘mericans basically tell me to go suck a lighted sparkler.
Well, who am I to mess with a venerable tradition?
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In this state, fireworks are debated with the white-hot anger generally reserved for arguments over things like gun control and the Mormon Church. Wanna anger a mob of complete strangers? Simply happen to mention in passing that you think there should be some restrictions on the personal use of fireworks. You might as well suggest background checks and waiting periods for shoulder-fired surface-to-air missiles.
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I’ve got this theory that the reason fireworks are so popular in Utah is because the original way of celebrating in the West — indiscriminately discharging our firearms into the air — is now illegal.
And ironically, the reason firing a celebratory shot into the air is illegal is because it’s so incredibly dangerous. A little over a decade ago, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimated that in Puerto Rico, where the practice of so-called “happy fire” is more common, an average of two people are killed and 25 injured annually by these falling stray bullets. That’s in contrast to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s nationwide yearly estimate of 7.1 deaths and 11,000 injuries due to fireworks.
Hmmm, which practice sounds more dangerous?
With Independence and Pioneer days just three weeks apart, the fireworks problem here is twice that of the rest of the country. Right now, most communities across the United States are getting back to normal, dismantling their plywood fireworks showrooms and sweeping up all of the body parts that idiots managed to blow off of themselves.
But not here. In Utah, we’re just getting ready for Round Two of “Sanity Held Hostage.”
Hey, I just had this great idea! Let’s take one of the hottest, driest times of the year, and spend the better part of the month lighting things on fire that travel unpredictable trajectories at high rates of speed before exploding violently in a shower of sparks.
What could possibly go wrong?
“But Mark,” you say, “shooting off fireworks has become an American tradition.”
Yeah. And you know what else has become an American tradition? Road rage. Meth labs. The New England Patriots.
I fully acknowledge that my hatred of fireworks probably has everything to do with a dysfunctional childhood. My earliest memory of Independence Day was as a small child, visiting my grandmother’s house near what is now the Utah State Fairpark. Just as darkness fell, my parents would hand my sisters and me burning sparklers and tell us to go run and play.
You didn’t have to ask my sisters twice. They were off like a shot into the gathering dusk, drawing shapes and writing their names in flickering light. I, on the other hand, was a bit more cautious. I distinctly remember standing there, holding the sparkler at arm’s length and thinking, “You’re kidding, right? You people spend every other day of the year warning us not to run with scissors and other pointy objects, and yet now you’re actually encouraging us to race around the yard with a 2,000-degree piece of burning wire that’s spitting sparks everywhere? What have you done with my real parents?”
I’m not a complete idiot. I realize the odds of making a dent in the fireworks juggernaut is a fool’s errand. These pyrotechnics are woven into the very charred, smoldering fabric of our society. Why, there’s even a nod to fireworks in our National Anthem ? what with all the rockets’ red glaring and bombs bursting in airing going on in that little ditty.
But I figure if these annual warnings could save just one child’s eyesight, just one adult’s thumb and forefinger, just one brush-covered hillside — it would all be worth it.
And if you do insist on playing with fire, at the very least you should follow the American Academy of Opthalmology recommendation: “People who handle fireworks should always wear protective eyewear that meets the parameters set by the American National Standards Institute and ensure that all bystanders are also wearing eye protection.”
Fireworks spectators wearing safety goggles? I’d love to make that an American tradition.
Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, or msaal@standard.net. Follow him on Twitter at @Saalman. Friend him on Facebook at facebook.com/MarkSaal.