Everything I know in life, I learned from “The Simpsons.”

During one of my favorite episodes on the long-running animated series, Principal Skinner reveals he has been cutting corners on the Springfield Elementary School budget in some rather unusual ways — like grinding up gym mats to feed hungry children for school lunch. Meanwhile, Bart, who is sitting at a table in the school cafeteria, cracks his knuckles and his fingers break painfully.

“Owww,” Bart says. “My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of (reading from the label on the milk carton in front of him) … ‘malk’?”

Forget all that talk about “fake news.” Dairy producers are asking the government to crack down on “fake milk.”

• RELATED: ’Fake milk’ is the latest food fight

The issue is that while “milk” is a noun, it is also very much a verb — as in “to milk” something. The noun is specifically defined as something that is expressed from the mammary glands of a mature female mammal — the cow immediately springs to mind — after she has given birth.

But apparently, there are all sorts of food companies out there trying to lure consumers with their milk substitutes. Like almond milk, which is made from almonds. Rice milk, which is made from rice. And soy milk, which is made from feeding tofu to a cow. These aren’t milks at all, but as Bart Simpson might say, “malks” — substitutes for the real thing.

A recent Associated Press story examined this War on Faux Milk. The story quotes Jim Mulhern, president of the National Milk Producers Federation, who says, “Mammals produce milk, plants don’t.”

Well, unless you’re talking about coconuts. Or the milkweed plant, which anyone can tell you produces a milky white sap when its leaves or stems are cut.

Look, I totally get wanting to protect your turf from knockoff products that would attempt to trade on your hard-earned cache as a genuine-dairy producer. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. These companies aren’t trying to pass off their products as cow’s milk — which WOULD be misleading. They’re not calling their product simply “milk,” they’re calling it things like “almond milk,” and “soy milk.” Or the trendy “almondmilk” and “soymilk.”

And the last thing they’d want is for people to mistake their product for cow squeezins. Because people who drink their products generally do so for one of three reasons: 1. They’re lactose intolerant, and can’t drink regular milk. 2. They’re trying to be healthy, and believe that one of these alternatives does their body good. 3. They’re legally insane, and prefer the taste of milk from a (shudder) nut or other plant-based source.

So then, in which of the three scenarios would the makers of these fake liquids actually want folks to mistake their product for the traditional cow’s milk? That’s right, exactly none.

And don’t give me that “protecting the brand” argument. Milk isn’t a trademarked name, like Kleenex, or Band-Aid. Rather, it’s a common noun, like table, or newspaper.

Besides, if the government caves to these lactic terrorists, where does it end? When a mother talks about feeding her newborn, will she no longer be able to use the term “breast milk” because it infringes on the National Dairy Council’s definition? (“Honey, if we’re leaving the baby with a sitter tonight, I’m going to need to breast pump enough opaque white fluid secreted by female mammals to tide her over for the evening …”)

Plus which, if dairy producers do get their way, who’s going to enforce these violations? Friendly old guys in overalls, holding tractor tire irons in their calloused hands?

And the madness is spreading. Wars have also been declared on:

• “Fake mayo” – The Association for Dressing and Sauces and the American Egg Board complained that an eggless spread was calling itself Just Mayo, when everyone knows mayonnaise is defined as having eggs.

• “Fake chicken wings” – The gub’mint may or may not have required DiGiorno to market its boneless chicken pieces under the name “Wyngz” because they weren’t technically chicken wings. (Do you think the USDA knows buffaloes don’t have wings?)

• “Fake cheese” – The FDA made Kraft Singles change its describer from “pasteurized process cheese food” to “pasteurized prepared cheese product.”

This is nothing short of politically correct labeling run amok. Except, of course, in the case of “fake bacon,” or “facon” as it’s sometimes called for short. That’s where I, personally, draw the line in the sand. Facon is a vegetarian bacon most commonly made from tofu, wheat gluten or coconut meat, and you can bet it’s every bit as delicious as it sounds.

Vegetarian bacon? You may as well be drinking “malk.”

Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, or msaal@standard.net. Follow him on Twitter at @Saalman. Friend him on Facebook at facebook.com/MarkSaal.