We could probably use a Zion Curtain for pop shops like Swig, Sodalicious
Talk about “dirty.”
Not since the Coke/Pepsi cola wars of the 1980s have we seen such mudslinging among two competing beverage companies.
Standard-Examiner reporter Tim Vandenack just produced a fascinating look at the cutthroat world of specialty soda-pop shops in Utah, including a story on the two-year-old lawsuit between Swig and Sodalicious.
The St. George-based Swig is suing Provo-based Sodalicious over the use of the word “dirty” to describe soft drinks blended with flavored syrups and other ingredients. Although the term “dirty” was originally coined for an alcoholic beverage — specifically, a martini made with olive brine and garnished with a green olive — Swig claims in this case it’s an infringement on its trademark use of the word for soft drinks.
Leery of the fight, other soda shops have avoided using the disputed term altogether. For example, Soda Factory in Ogden skirts the issue by using the term “filthy,” instead.
Now, I’m no legal or business expert, but here’s what I’d do if I were Sodalicious: Let Swig have that term all to themselves. And then, I’d contact my state legislator and get them to shut it down.
I’m sure any number of our self-righteous lawmakers would be falling all over one another in their zeal to legislate against a soft drink business that is blurring the line between alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages with a clearly alcohol-related term like “dirty.” I mean, we’re talking about a Republican-dominated Utah Legislature that gets freaked out over the possibility of a minor simply watching a drink poured at a restaurant out of fear it might glamorize drinking. And yet, these days you’ve got Mom piling the kids in the minivan and waiting 20 minutes in the FiiZ Drinks drive-thru to pick up mixed drinks with names like “Scotch and Soda” and “MoMojito.”
And we’re not at all worried THAT glamorizes drinking alcohol? I believe I speak for busybody teetotalers everywhere when I say this shall not stand.
C’mon, legislators. Where’s your morally superior bluster when we really need it? Bad Utah parents are raising their children on “dirty” mixed soft drinks, and it’s only a matter of time before their precious little larvae develop into full-grown barflies.
But before the state legislature shuts down this moral loophole with a new Zion Curtain-type law, I plan on opening a soda pop shop of my own. I’m looking for investors; here’s the elevator pitch…
My new business will be just like the corner bar — you know, the one where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came — except that it caters to children.
Picture this: You walk in, and in one corner of the dimly lit room is a jukebox playing a Willie Nelson honky-tonk version of “The Wheels on the Bus.” A few tables and chairs are scattered throughout the small room, with more privacy available in the secluded booths along one wall.
On the opposite side of the room is one of those long, traditional bars — complete with barstools, bowls of those gummy fruit snacks and a bartender who will serve your child’s favorite mocktail in a martini glass while patiently listening to him complain about how his mom just doesn’t understand him anymore.
Our signature drink will be the “Mars-tini,” featuring your choice of soft drink, served “dirty.” Only instead of a green olive garnish, you get one of the Mars family brands of candy — M&Ms or possibly Skittles — floating in the glass.
To complete the look, the interior of the bar will feature one of those old-style vending machines stocked with packs of candy cigarettes. The child inserts his coins, pulls hard on one of the selector knobs, and it coughs up his sugary smokes.
Oh, and one final decorative touch. Hanging on the wall in the bathrooms? Water-balloon dispensers.
As for what we’ll call this kiddie lounge, I’d thought about the Fisher-Price Bar and Grill, but that runs into some obvious trademark issues. As does Playskool Pub.
Of course, there are plenty of other clever youthful bar names out there, like Balloon Saloon, Virgin Spirits, Nips for the Nippers, The “Dirty” Diaper, The Sot Tot Spot and even the “Minions”-themed Copacabanana.
But personally? I’m rather partial to calling it The TeeToddler’s Tavern.
Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272 or msaal@standard.net. Follow him on Twitter at @Saalman. Friend him on Facebook at facebook.com/MarkSaal.