Shocker! For the umpteenth year in a row, I was again completely overlooked as a potential commencement speaker for all of the graduations currently going down in Northern Utah.

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Such a waste. All this valuable life knowledge I’ve amassed over more than half a century of watching various graduation episodes on television — like that one on “Happy Days” where Mrs. C let slip that the Fonz was secretly planning to graduate with Richie, Potsie and Ralph Malph — and no one to share it with.

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Well, as is rapidly becoming my annual tradition, I hereby offer what would have been my graduation speech to the Class of 2017:

* * *

Graduates, faculty, administrators, parents, distinguished guests, people who wandered in here thinking it was a sporting event …

We begin with a riddle. Q: Why are fish so smart? A: Because they swim in schools.

Hoo! Good one, right? They say all memorable speeches start with a joke to break the ice. Of course, this one completely fails to take into account the fact that for all the time spent in schools fish aren’t particularly bright. You’ve heard the expression “hook, line and sinker” to describe someone who has been completely deceived? Just whom do you think that idiom was created for?

And just like those fish, the fact that you, the Class of 2017, have now spent upwards of a dozen years in various schools of your own doesn’t guarantee you’re all that intelligent, either. Indeed, I’ll wager many of you have family members in this very audience who, thanks to your attendance in cap-and-gown here today, just lost twenty bucks.

Look, I’m not saying you haven’t met the requirements for graduation. But I am saying that the simple act of walking across a stage to receive what is most likely an empty diploma cover (actual diploma to be mailed at a later date) doesn’t necessarily make you smart — any more than wheedling my way in front of this microphone makes me a great orator.

At this point in the traditional commencement speech, the speaker will generally offer some inspirational thoughts about your future. But frankly, I got nothing. I mean, face it — given the current occupant at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. you probably would have been better served enrolling in that “Dystopian Hellscape 101: Strategies for Surviving the Coming Nuclear Winter” course they offered last semester.

In other words, your future is kinda messed up. To which, speaking as a representative of the current generation in charge, I say: “Oops. Our bad.”

Most of you weren’t even old enough to vote this time around, and if you had been you clearly would have voted for Bernie Sanders. So this one’s not on you.

But if I were to give you one solid piece of graduation advice — I mean, besides “The number for Canadian immigration services is 888-242-2100″ — it would be:

ALWAYS use the snooze button. Contrary to what your parents might have told you, a few more minutes of sleep never hurt anyone. And don’t fall for that whole early-bird-catches-the-worm routine, either. That only works if you’re really into worms.

And if I were to offer you another piece of advice, it would probably be:

Listen more than you speak. As any expert on either anatomy or religion can tell you, the reason God gave you two ears and only one mouth is because listening is twice as important as speaking.

But then again, He/She also gave that same mouth 32 teeth. Which means that while listening is twice as important as talking, eating stuff is 16 times more important than listening.

And speaking of the five senses:

Once in awhile, stop and smell the roses. But watch out for thorns. And bees. And — if you happen to be one of the unlucky ones who suffers from allergies — flower pollen. Because, frankly, nature has had it in for us since caveman days.

You should also:

Admit your mistakes. At some point in your life, you’re going to do something stupid. Like breaking wind at an inopportune moment in a formal setting. My advice? Just own it.

Unless there’s a dog in the room you can blame it on.

And perhaps most importantly:

Always follow your dreams. Except when it’s one of those weird dreams where you’re standing there naked in the middle of a shopping mall, playing the bagpipes. Because — and you can trust me on this, graduates — mall security doesn’t take kindly to either public nudity or bagpipery in front of a Build-a-Bear.

And finally:

As you go through life, pause long enough to help those around you. There will be times when you believe you have some really great advice to give a large group of people — like, say, at a commencement ceremony — but absolutely no one wants to hear it. My suggestion?

Go ahead and give it anyway.

Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, or msaal@standard.net. Follow him on Twitter at @Saalman. Friend him on Facebook at facebook.com/MarkSaal.