Sad. Disgusting. Pathetic. Total loser.

Those were the initial thoughts that came to mind following the story about the Roy High School teacher who was suspended — and then reinstated — after assigning students in her Adult Roles class a survey on drug use and sexual activity.

And no, I’m not referring to Candace Thurgood here, the teacher who assigned the controversial quiz.

Rather, I’m talking about a certain columnist we all know and love.

• RELATED: Roy High teacher who assigned survey on drug use, sexual activity, will keep job

I tracked down the offending “Know Thyself” questionnaire online, and promptly administered it to myself. The results? Sad. Disgusting. Pathetic. Total loser.

The survey, reportedly from a “Dear Abby” column decades ago, asks more than two dozen questions of teenagers. Questions like:

• “Ever been kissed while in a reclining position?”

• “Do you smoke pot?”

• “Have you ever passed out from drinking?”

• “Ever gotten or given a hickey?”

You know. The things that make the teenage experience so darned interesting.

Each “yes” answer to a question earns between 2 and 13 points. The survey concludes with a “score chart” that groups respondents by the number of “yes” answers … everything from those who scored below 10 points (”A nerd — just where you should be at your age”) all the way up to those above 104 points (”Hopeless and condemned”).

• RELATED: Roy High teacher on leave after sending home ‘questionable’ sexuality survey

If a survey respondent has experienced it all when it comes to sex and drugs — and I do mean “all,” including stealing money for drugs and being involved in multiple abortions — the highest score you could possibly register is a whopping 220 points.

And as for this columnist? How did I do? Clearly, that depends on who’s answering. If it’s 11th-grade me — the approximate age of the students in Thurgood’s Adult Roles class — I racked up a total of … 5 points. Five, people.

Indeed, the teenage me was only able to answer the first two questions of the 30-question survey in the affirmative (”1. Ever gone out with a member of the opposite sex?” and “2. Ever been kissed?”).

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And truth be told, I sorta fudged on the second answer. Yes, I did go on a handful of dates before my senior year of high school, but I’m pretty sure “awkwardly leaning in for a goodnight peck at the front door only to have her quickly turn her head so you catch her cheek” hardly qualifies as “being kissed.”

But then again, I wasn’t about to accept the shame of a score consisting of 2 measly points.

Ah, but it gets worse. Because today, after 58 years of living, 35 years of marriage, three children and as many grandchildren, I still only managed to eke out a score of 44 — barely above the score chart’s ”Normal and decent” range for teens.

Frankly, at this advanced point in my life I was really hoping for at least something in the 76-to-85-point range (”Headed for serious trouble”).

In administering the questionnaire to her Roy High students, Thurgood ran afoul of state and federal laws that forbid surveying students about sexual behaviors, orientation, attitudes and involvement in illegal or incriminating behavior.

The whole affair is reminiscent of another scandal involving the Adult Roles class in the Weber School District. Three years ago, Weber High School teacher Ashley Williams was suspended — and later reinstated — after conducting a class exercise in which students listed on a white board as many synonyms as they could think of for “genitalia.” Apparently, the students got quite creative.

I attempted to contact Williams, who still teaches at Weber High (under her married name now), but district community relations specialist Lane Findlay responded: “I’ve spoken with Ashley, and she has no desire to talk to the media.”

Not that I blame her.

What I do find surprising is that the district can find anybody foolish enough to agree to teach the Adult Roles class in the first place. Talking about sex and drugs and other “adult” subjects on the high school level? In Utah? You’re just asking for trouble.

All it takes is one parent who thinks their high schooler shouldn’t know where babies come from, or what a condom is. And in this state, we’re chock-full of parents like that.

The one bright spot in all of this is that, near as I can tell, Weber School District has done a pretty good job of not overreacting to these sorts of complaints. Neither teacher was fired; both continue in the classroom. And unless they’ve been placed on some sort of onerous double secret probation where they have to clear with the administration every little mention of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, I’d say all’s well that ends well.

After all, the Adult Roles class is for college credit and requires parental consent. Unless the teacher is actually showing students how to shoot up heroin, she needs some latitude to teach the subject properly.

That’s my opinion, anyway.

But then, you know me. I’m just sad, disgusting, pathetic and a total loser.

Contact Mark Saal at 801-625-4272, or msaal@standard.net. Follow him on Twitter at @Saalman. Friend him on Facebook at facebook.com/MarkSaal