Standard Deviations: Need a new flag Utah? You’ve come to the right place
So, you want a new state flag?
The Utah Legislature has been been toying with the idea of ditching our current flag — the official-looking, classic state seal on a blue background — in favor of something more exciting.
Apparently, some vexillologists — a totally made-up word because “flag freaks” didn’t sound scientific enough — want to see Utah get a new state banner.
Well, I’ve seen the prototypes, and all I can say is, “Meh.”
For the record, this columnist unequivocally supports keeping the current state flag. Indeed, the only way you’d get me to support a change to the Utah state flag is if we also consider altering the American flag. After all, stars and stripes are so … 1777.
We should totally have a flag with an angry-looking eagle on it.
Clutching a dying environmentalist in one of its talons.
And an illegal immigrant in the other.
But if y’all are bound and determined to get us a new state flag, let’s at least do it right. With the help of Heather Marcus, one of our graphic designers here at the newspaper, I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up a few ideas for a new Standard of Liberty for the Beehive State. Granted, these are crude and rudimentary designs — hey, I’m no Betsy Ross — but I figure they can be tweaked and cleaned up once we’ve settled on a basic look.
Here are the Top 10 designs for a new Utah state flag:
• No. 10 — The “No-Fun Zone” Flag
Let’s face it. Utah’s developed something of a stick-in-the-mud reputation. This flag features a red circle with a red bar running diagonally through it, superimposed over large block letters spelling “FUN.” Message received.
• No. 9 — The “Zion Curtain” Flag
Shielding our children’s eyes from the evils of alcohol is what Zion Curtains are all about. So that got us to thinking: Why couldn’t our state flag also double as one of those partitions for whenever alcoholic drinks are prepared? The flag features a beer bottle peeking out from curtains, with the text on the flag acting as a practical advisory: “In case of liquor preparation emergency, screen curious young eyes with this highly opaque fabric.”
• No. 8 — The “Red Burn Day” Flag
This flag features the trademark “Greatest Snow on Earth” slogan, with the word “Inversions” superimposed over the word “Snow.” Such a flag would be an awe-inspiring sight — at least, on those rare occasions that you could actually see her through the haze.
• No. 7 — The “Orange Barrel Special” Flag
Sure, road construction happens in all 50 states. But the Utah Department of Transportation takes a back seat to no one. This flag features a large orange traffic barrel superimposed over a diamond-shaped traffic sign, with the message “Construction Zone: Taxes Double.”
• No. 6 — The “Sister Wives” Flag
This flag pays homage to one of the primary stipulations for achieving statehood. It features a stick-figure male and several stick-figure females at his side, with all but the appropriate number of wives crossed out. Included is the slogan “Statehood: Well Worth Giving Up Polygamy For.”
• No. 5 — The “State, Not a Bar” Flag
Back in 2017, the Utah Legislature began requiring signs in bars and restaurants identifying each as a bar or restaurant. The sign requirement has since been dropped, but using such logic to inform people which state they’re currently in couldn’t hurt. Based on those original signs, the flag reads simply: “This premise is licensed as UTAH. Not COLORADO.”
• No. 4 — The “MLM” Flag
Utah, we’re often reminded, is the Multi-level Marketing Capital of the Known World; this flag proudly celebrates that designation. It features a large “MLM” pyramid shape in the center and includes the names of three of our favorite direct-marketing companies: Nu Skin, doTERRA and Scentsy. Across the bottom of the flag are the inspiring words “IN DOWNLINES WE TRUST.”
• No. 3 — The “Capitol Hill Temple” Flag
In a state where something like 90 percent of legislators are members of the predominant faith, politics and religion are bound to mix. So it’s hardly surprising that these predominantly Republican white males — who believe their bodies are temples — would see politics in a similar light. This flag celebrates that reality with an image of the Utah State Capitol building, topped by a gold Angel Moroni statue, and the slogan “Utah: Our Legislative Body is a Temple, Too!”
• No. 2 — The “Play the Percentages” Flag
This flag features a a math problem — a beehive with the words “OUR LOVELY DESERET: Where our FAITH is STRONG (10%) and our BEER is WEAK (3.2%)”
• No. 1 — The “Family Friendly” Flag
And finally, Utahns can be called lots of things, but infertile is not one of them. This flag is reminiscent of those stick-figure bumper stickers on minivans in the state. A stick figure man and women are in one corner, followed by rows and rows and rows of offspring.