Remember, recognizing these patterns isn’t about blaming your parents or dwelling on the past. It’s about understanding yourself with compassion and giving yourself permission to grow.

Here is the last of three columns focusing on answering some of the questions surrounding this topic:

Self-Worth and Inner Critic

Q: Why do I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me?

A: Children absorb messages about themselves from their environment. If you experienced criticism, neglect, or inconsistent care, you might have concluded that you were the problem. What started as “I did something wrong” became “I am wrong.” This deep sense of being flawed is shame, and it’s not based on truth about who you are.

Q: How do I quiet the voice that tells me I’m not good enough?

A: That voice developed to protect you from further hurt by keeping you hyperaware of potential flaws. Start by recognizing it as an old protective mechanism, not truth. When you hear it, try responding with curiosity rather than belief: “There’s that old voice again. What is it trying to protect me from right now?” Gradually, you can develop a kinder internal voice to balance it out.

Q: Why can’t I ever feel satisfied with my achievements?

A: If you carry shame, you might work incredibly hard to prove your worth, but success never feels real or lasting. Every achievement feels temporary, and every mistake feels like proof of your deep-down “badness.” You’re trying to earn something — your own acceptance — that you already deserve simply by existing.

Q: How can I actually enjoy my successes instead of immediately worrying about the next thing?

A: Practice pausing when good things happen. Literally stop and notice: “This is a moment of success.” Let yourself feel it in your body, even if it’s uncomfortable. Share good news with people who can genuinely celebrate with you. The goal isn’t to become arrogant — it’s to let positive experiences actually register instead of immediately dismissing them.

Q: Why do I sabotage good things in my life?

A: If shame is part of your identity, success can feel foreign and even dangerous. It contradicts what you believe about yourself. Sometimes people unconsciously create situations that confirm their unworthiness because that feels more familiar than believing good things can last.

Q: How do I stop sabotaging opportunities and relationships?

A: Start by recognizing the pattern without judgment. When you notice yourself about to sabotage something good, pause and ask: “What am I afraid will happen if this goes well?” Often there’s a fear underneath — like “people will expect too much” or “I’ll eventually disappoint them anyway.” Once you identify the fear, you can address it directly rather than acting it out.

Q: Why do compliments make me so uncomfortable?

A: When someone sees you positively but you see yourself negatively, it creates internal conflict. Accepting compliments would mean updating your self-image, and that can feel scary. It’s not modesty — it’s protection of a familiar, even if painful, way of seeing yourself.

Q: How can I learn to accept compliments gracefully?

A: Start simple — just say “thank you” without deflecting or explaining why the compliment isn’t deserved. You don’t have to believe it fully at first, but practice receiving it. Notice what happens in your body when someone says something positive about you. Over time, try to collect these positive messages rather than immediately discarding them.

Q: How do I overcome shame?

A: Shame heals through experiences of being truly seen and accepted. This might happen in therapy, close friendships, or other caring relationships. The key is learning to separate what you do from who you are. You can feel regret about actions without condemning your entire self. Your worth isn’t something you earn — it’s something you inherently have.

Q: How do I develop self-compassion when I make mistakes?

A: Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend who made the same mistake. What would you say to them? Mistakes are part of being human, not evidence of your unworthiness. Try asking: “What do I need right now?” instead of “How could I be so stupid?” Self-compassion isn’t about lowering standards — it’s about motivating yourself through kindness rather than cruelty.

Q: What’s the difference between shame and guilt?

A: Guilt says “I did something wrong” — it’s about behavior and can motivate positive change. Shame says “I am wrong” — it’s about your core self and tends to be paralyzing. Learning this difference is powerful because it helps you address problems without attacking yourself.

Q: How do I know when shame is driving my behavior?

A: Shame-driven behavior often feels compulsive and leaves you feeling worse about yourself afterward. You might find yourself overworking to prove your worth, staying small to avoid criticism, or lashing out when you feel exposed. There’s usually an underlying fear of being “found out” as flawed. Healthy motivation, by contrast, comes from values and desires rather than from trying to avoid being seen as bad.

Closing

Your childhood strategies were intelligent responses to difficult situations. They helped you survive and cope with circumstances beyond your control. The fact that you’re reading this and thinking about these patterns shows tremendous courage and self-awareness.

Remember that healing doesn’t mean forgetting the past or pretending it didn’t matter. It means giving yourself permission to grow beyond the limitations those early experiences may have created. You now have choices you didn’t have as a child. You have the power to create new patterns, new relationships and new ways of being in the world.

Change takes time, and it’s rarely linear. Be patient with yourself as you practice new ways of thinking and responding. Every small step toward understanding and self-compassion is meaningful progress.

You are worthy of love, belonging and all the good things life has to offer — not because you’ve earned it, but simply because you exist. This truth doesn’t change based on your past, your mistakes, or your struggles. It’s a constant, and it’s yours to claim.

Note: This document is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you’re struggling with persistent emotional difficulties, please consider seeking support from a qualified mental health professional.

The questions and answers above are presented as opinions of Jason Sadora and Steven Szykula, licensed mental health professionals at Comprehensive Psychological Services. These opinions are not a substitute for counseling with a professional or for medication therapies that may be needed.