When Mary Van Komen of Brigham City showed up for such a hearing last week, she intentionally changed the wording. Instead of just marking the option for “Victim”, she wrote “Survivor.”

Because that is who she is — and she is intensely proud of that fact.

Van Koman grew up in Northern Utah and was one of at least 16 young girls believed to have been assaulted by Randall George Noble. Noble was convicted in 2003 of raping two girls in separate attacks and was sentenced in 2003 to 15 years to life at the Utah State Prison.

When she heard that he was going to have another parole hearing, Van Komen decided she was going to be there and speak up.

“It was kind of self-gratifying,” Van Koman told the Standard-Examiner on Wednesday. “It’s an end of an era. It’s something that I’ve wanted to do and never had enough courage to do, never felt like the words that I would say would have any kind of relevance in any way. But that kind of moment is self-satisfying. It’s kind of the message that I want to share with the world. I did it for me. It was something that I needed to do.”

To understand the value of that moment to Van Koman, it’s important to understand her journey.

She describes the abuse she suffered and the far-reaching ramifications in her life, including dealing with crushing feeling of guilt because she didn’t speak up about the abuse sooner.

“In my mind, I thought I made peace with it,” Van Koman said. “I just decided that I was going to live my life for me and you know let bygones be bygones and try to move forward. But there were so many girls (who were abused) there that it just crushed me. I carried that guilt for a very long time because I felt like it was my fault, and that I couldn’t get past that.”

The impact of the abuse and guilt compounded with other challenges with relationships, neurodevelopmental disorders, family dynamics, and cultural and religious differences to create decades of difficult times for Van Koman.

But, she explains, she got to a point where she made a decision.

“I remember after my second divorce, I like looked in the mirror and I was just like, ‘all right, we’re going to figure this out,” Van Koman said. “I’m going to go back to school. I’m going get the degree. I’m going to figure out all the answers, and then I’m going to be able to move forward. I decided I was going to figure myself out and find out why I am the way I am.”

Although she said she struggled and hated school during her teenage years, she found a new sense of purpose.

“I never thought school would save my life, and it truly has,” Van Koman said. “It gave me confidence. It taught me a lot of things. It taught me a lot of discipline that I thought I had but I did not.”

She graduated last year with a Bachelor’s degree in Integrated Studies of Psychology and a minor in Criminal Justice, and said it helps her realize all the things she didn’t understand as a teenager.

“It does make me feel like I wish I would have known more,” Van Koman said. ” I lived a very hard life and now my future self looks back and was like, ‘well, you should have saw the red flags and you should have done this, and you shouldn’t have done that.'”

But she also appreciates the positives that have been part of that journey, especially her three sons. She’s determined to make the most of the opportunities she has in her life.

“I feel like attitude is everything in life,” Van Koman said. “I’ve just tried to like teach my kid that that you can go through life and you can think everyone hates you, and everyone’s against you. But what people do recognize is strength. When you fall, instead of waiting for someone to help you, you need to get back up. That is what people value in life. People value endurance and perseverance, rather than victimization.”

She looks back at the tough times she has faced and even the abuse she endured, and now she sees them as motivations to make a difference.

“Back in the day, yes, it it did definitely hold me back from a lot of things and caused a lot of problems in my life,” Van Koman said. “Mow I want to use it as fuel for the fire but for good, not bad. My life’s not over. My life is just beginning because I finally have the answers. I finally have most of the pieces of the puzzle that now I can see the picture, because I was just trying to figure life out.”

She hopes that she can use her combination of education and experience to help others, especially those who have faced abuse or other traumas. She believes the most important keys to doing that are love, patience, communication and not judging.

“It’s important to show that person you love them in the way that they need to be loved, and be patient because they will decide when when it’s right for them, how it’s right for them,” Van Koman said. “You just have to kind of go with it instead of forcing people or telling people this is the way it should be.

“Show them you care with no judgment. Removing judgment completely allows people to communicate better, allows people to talk. Communication really is key because you may think you know what that person needs, but it’s in fact nothing to do with what they need. You need to let allow them to tell you or show you, and just be patient until they’re ready.”

She got a glimpse of the value of that at the hearing after she shared her words.

“I am here if any of the other survivors need a shoulder cry on or a helping hand to point you in the right direction,” Van Koman said in the hearing. “Go find the answers you keep asking yourself. Apologies are nice to hear. Revenge can be sweet but, again, knowledge is power. People like us can move mountains and make a difference. So take my hand and let’s dance through this together. Today I am no longer hiding in the shadows as the victim of a serial rapist.

“I AM A SURVIVOR AND SO ARE YOU.”

She then saw that sentiment take hold in the others who were there, which highlights the strongest message from her journey.

“After I said I was a survivor, the other girls then said they were survivors,” Van Koman said. “To me, that made all the difference. Just that one word made them realize that we are strong, that we did survive.”