Mark Saal

I've had a fairly strict policy for a number of years now: Never allow myself to be interviewed by a journalist. Ever.

Seriously, those people can't get anything right.

Besides, journalists interviewing other journalists seems just a bit too, well, incestuous.

The annual three-ring spectacle that is the Sundance Film Festival is under way, and we all know what THAT means.

Avoid. Park. City.

Seriously. Avoid it like the plague. Avoid it like a rush-hour stretch of Interstate 15 through Utah County. Avoid it like a fellow ward member in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon.

Mark my words, people: Nothing good can ever come of a trip to Colorado's westernmost city in mid-to-late January.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ... no, really, please?

This week, for obvious reasons, we're going with something a bit gentler in this space -- lighter and fluffier, if you will ...

Speaking of which, is this whole lack of snow thing starting to get to anybody else? I mean, ordinarily I don't particularly care for a great many aspects of that specific weather phenomenon. I don't like shoveling it, or driving in it, or slipping and falling on my ample backside on it.

It's The Big Day. And as such, I won't make you wait any longer to open my gift to you.

Here it is, your eagerly awaited parody song for the Ninth Annual Standard-Examiner Life at the Top o' Utah Holiday Gift o' Music Gala Giveaway and Karaoke Extravaganza:

"Oh, you'd better watch out/ You'd better not cry/ You'd better not pout/ I'm telling you why/ Santa Claus is nothing more than an imaginary mythical figure with roots in the historic and folkloric traditions of any number of Western cultures ..."

Ha! Just try singing THAT one around the ol' holiday spinet.

Now, for the benefit of any of you young tykes out there who might be reading this -- and if you are, somebody really ought to call the Division of Child and Family Services on your parents -- let me just say that your old Uncle Mark does indeed believe in the existence of Santa Claus.

But that wasn't always the case. A little holiday story, if I may ...

Need a little help with your Christmas shopping? Have I got the Ideal Holiday Gift Idea for you.

It's readily available, it's reasonably priced, and it's reportedly the No. 1 toy in the United Kingdom, Germany, Holland, Spain and France. (Memo to self: Cancel European dream vacation.)

Now, if you're reading this over breakfast, I do recommend you put down that spoonful of cereal for the next five minutes or so.

So then, what's the season's hottest toy for Christmas? It's called ... wait for it ... the Doggie Doo Game. You heard right, people. Family game night just got a little cruder.

Surveys say the darndest things.

Seems like not a week goes by that some organization or publication somewhere isn't declaring this place the most energy-efficient locale in the country, or that place the best spot for raising happy, healthy alpacas.

But the latest survey to make headlines beats them all. It's a comprehensive list of the most zombie-friendly states in the nation.

And believe it or not, Utah ranks No. 8.